Message on a Bottle

So, with all of the money turmoil, I've kind of been looking for some kind of sign. Something that would tell me that what I'm going through isn't for nothing.

And then I saw it. On a bottle. In Whole Foods.

One word - Believe. On a bottle of water. There were other words on other bottles - Love. Compassion. Peace. Was the universe now speaking to me through grocery products?

I couldn't resist. I took the Believe bottle off the shelf. State of Mind Water. I had never heard of it. So, I bought it. I mean, I drink water anyway...this couldn't hurt.

So I took that bottle to work and sat it on my desk. It became my work water bottle. And strangely enough, the more I looked at that one word - Believe - the more I started to actually do it. To believe that I would be OK. To believe that the money situation would work itself out. To believe that not only did I deserve more than I've gotten in the past 4.5 years, but that I would get it. Looking at that one word consistently started making a difference.

The company is all about positivity, believing in yourself, doing good for others. I like that. You can't say that about many capitalistic ventures anymore. But they seem like they're kind of in the same vein as Kashi or Reverb (and hey - I got a signed BNL guitar from Reverb, so they're pretty cool in my book).

So...next time you're thirsty, think about that message on a bottle. Couldn't hurt to give it a try. And if you get more than hydration out of it, all the better.

Oh, and the water tasted pretty good, too.

Quandary

I am so over writing about the ex, but I have a situation right now that I'm trying to sort out in my head.

The ex owes me money. A LOT of it. Thousands of dollars. Because he likes to live a lifestyle that he can't afford. $2,300 a month apartment, because what he can afford isn't good enough for him. His precious car (how I hate that car, which he treats better than any human on the planet, including his mother). Comic-Con every year, with a ton of money spent on the hotel. Movies all the time, at $12-$14 a pop plus parking and snacks, because he can't possibly go anywhere except the reserved seat movie theatre. DVDs purchased ON THE RELEASE DATE ONLY, because somehow they're not the same movie if you wait and buy them when you can afford them. Gadgets for the apartment, so he can make the spare bedroom look like a movie theatre. On and on. He's all about the appearance of "Hollywood success" to his friends back east, especially on his blog. Except, how can you consider yourself successful if you can't pay your bills every month? If you have outstanding financial issues? (Which I won't detail here at this time).

The story is, there's no money for me because there’s no work. Well, if there's no work, how can you say you're successful? And this is not new. This has been the song and dance for years, which is why I bailed him out on his cell phone bills - $500 a month! Who has a $500 cell phone bill? I'll tell you - someone who's talking to multiple girlfriends several times a day to keep them on the hook. And this dates WAAYY back before the current "other woman" I found out about in October. Oh, and the rental cars I paid for. Because he moved here and had a rental car for THREE YEARS. You heard me. Why would you just not buy a clunker for $2,000 until you could afford your blessed dream car? Because you're an idiot, that's why. And you have an idiot for a girlfriend who will help you when you're "just waiting to get a check." Oh, and so you wouldn't have any cost when you moved out of your hotel (yes, he stayed at a hotel for a LONG time, even though he tried to convince me he had an apartment, which I was somehow never privileged enough to see, even after months of dating) and went back east to your "other apartment" to save money out here when work dried up.

Yes, he had another apartment. Which he swore belonged to friends of his, as an "extra" apartment for them to expand into once they had kids. Except it's not like they could have knocked down a wall and expanded their current apartment - it wasn't set up like that. And everyone can afford to have a spare apartment “just in case of kids.” Oh, and it was completely furnished with his stuff (down to art on the walls). Oh, and I never met these "friends" even though I stayed in that apartment twice. They were always "away" because it was the holidays. Except, they were never mentioned by the ex except when he was going "home." He mentioned his other friends liberally. Oh, and that's where he still had his mail delivered, even when he "lived" out here. Yeah, that sounds like you're just staying at a friend's place. For weeks, sometimes MONTHS at a time. Awfully convenient. Wonder how many girlfriends he had out there? Because it would have been easy. He had an entirely separate cell phone with a back east number. For his friends to call, so it wouldn’t cost them, as well as his mom. Except everyone has cell phones that include long distance. And he eventually got his mom a cell phone as well, but he never cancelled that back east line. Carried that separate cell phone with him in his bag everywhere he went. Hmm…wonder why he needed to do that.

I'm an idiot, I know. I let him lie to me. Even when I was suspicious. To the point where I actually looked him in the eye and told him, "I'm CHOOSING to trust you, because stuff doesn't add up." Bad choice, I know. Should have listened to my gut and broken up with him within 3 months when he wouldn't let me into his "apartment." But he knew what to say to me to keep me hanging on. I let the pretty words and promises outweigh the actions and suspicions. I didn't want to be the "suspicious girlfriend" and he knew it. He preyed on that. He was fantastic at turning my questioning around on me and making me feel inadequate, that I was too demanding, that nobody else he knew would react the way I did, that I wasn't giving him what he needed when he was so generous with me, that I just expected too much of him. I couldn't look at it from the outside. Now I can.

He will always play the victim, because it gets him what he wants. But he's not the victim - he's the player. And he's really good at it. He has a way of keeping a woman hanging on in the face of proven lies, because he just puts on the "poor me" act - his childhood was messed up, he had no friends growing up, he just doesn't know how to be in a relationship, he'll get help, he'll be better, he can't imagine living without you, YOU are the one who has shown him how messed up he is, and he’ll show YOU he can be better... And it works, apparently. He can be oh, so sincere. But it doesn't work on me, not anymore.

Anyway, my quandary is this – how do I proceed? He’s not giving me the agreed upon (in writing) amount he owes me because he’s “waiting for his check,” as he has had to do so many times in the past. So, what do I do about it?

Please don’t suggest anything illegal. I would NEVER do anything that would get me into trouble. He is SO not worth that. And I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction. Revenge fantasies are great when they stay in your head. But my life and self-respect are worth way more than anything I could do to him that would get me into trouble.

What would YOU do? Just hang out and wait for the money to come? How long would you wait? What would you do when you stopped waiting? I would love some input here. Because obviously I don’t believe the excuses, even if they’re true. He’s the boy who cried wolf. And I’m not going after anything that’s not rightfully mine. I have his agreement in writing to the terms of the financial arrangement as well as the amount he owes. He’s now broken that agreement.

Court isn’t my best option, for reasons I won’t go into at this time. I’m not saying it’s not an option at all – just that I’m sure someone can come up with something more effective. Someone who’s not so close to this situation.

Putting this into writing shows exactly what a gullible idiot I was with him. I’m ashamed of the part I played in this. Because what I got out of being with him didn’t come close to what it cost me (and not just in money). I know I didn’t make him cheat, I didn’t make him lie. But I made it easy for him, even when outsiders were trying to show me how effed up everything was. People who could judge the situation according to what he was DOING, not the sweet words and justifications he was giving me.

I was weak, I admit it. I thought I loved him. I wanted someone to love me back, and he said he did – even though he didn’t show it. Hell, I thought I wanted to marry him and have kids with him. Even though he said that’s what he wanted as well, he would never have let that happen. He told me what I wanted to hear, did enough nice things for me to keep me hooked (but not more than that), and I accepted it for years. I’m fortunate to escape that situation, I know. I’m not blind anymore. But wow, does it do a number on you to be played that well for that long!

Anyway…I’m looking forward to your input. Feel free to e-mail if you don’t feel comfortable posting it as a comment. I’ll update as breaking news occurs.

Welcome to the Future

Lately, I’ve been feeling restless. Like I want to make a change. A big change. Something that’s just for me, that doesn’t involve anyone else.

Specifically, I’ve been thinking about getting my Masters. I have a Bachelors in Linguistics, but I’ve been thinking about going back and getting a degree in Speech-Language Pathology. What’s that, you ask? What is a speech-language pathologist? Basically, it’s the person who helps people with speech and hearing impediments learn to speak clearly, and also can work with people who have trouble processing language in the brain.

Sounds great, right? Well, there are pros and cons to it (as with most everything in life).

Pros

I could make more money

Right now, I’m kind of topped out in the executive assistant world. I could make a bit more money working for a private company, but I have nightmare visions of being the 60 year old gatekeeper to some upper management phony. That’s really not where I envisioned my life going when I was young and dreaming about the future.

An SLP makes around $61,000 a year, which is considerably more than I make right now, or could ever hope to make as an assistant. Granted, the reason is because more schooling and specialized knowledge is required.

I could work with kids

My specific interest in doing SLP is to work with kids who have speech impediments and/or aphasia. I’ve always leaned towards working with kids, but I learned early on that teaching wasn’t for me because I wasn’t comfortable with the discipline aspect. But doing SLP, I could really make a difference with kids, without being in a classroom setting.

Having grown up not being able to hear out of my right ear, I know what it’s like to have to work on hearing and speech. I really feel like that experience uniquely qualifies me for this type of work. I could be the nice person who helps them be able to speak, which in turn will make them feel better about themselves.

I love school

It sounds bizarre, but I do. I love learning new things. Yes, I’m competitive and driven. I made damn sure I graduated magna cum laude when I did my undergrad. But more than that, I love the academic setting. That’s part of the reason I love working at a university. Ideas excite me, and constantly challenging myself makes me happy. I thrive in situations where I know exactly what’s expected of me, and can excel.

This is something I can do for me

Going back to school is just for me. It’s not about finding a relationship or making anyone else happy. The focus is on me and what I want, and that’s what I need to concentrate on right now. My focus is not on things outside of me, like finding a boyfriend. It used to be. And it got me in trouble. Now, I’m only concerned with what I can DO to make myself happy – not waiting for someone else to do it for me.

Cons

It will take at least 4 years

Having not gotten my undergrad in SLP, I have to go back and take core classes before I’m technically even in the grad program. Once that happens, there are a lot of requirements (such as clinicals) that I’m going to have to complete. It’s a big time commitment. And 4 years is optimistic, if I take summer school classes. I need to figure out if I’m willing to commit that kind of time.

It won’t be cheap

Even with my fee waiver, I’m still looking at $3,000 per semester for a minimum of 9 semesters to cover tuition, fees and materials. That’s nearly $30,000 on top of the student loans I already have. Yes, the argument can be made that the difference in my earning potential will pay that off in just a few years. But debt like that is SCARY to me. It means I HAVE to see this all the way through, because I’m not going to pay thousands of dollars to go to school for a while, quit because I change my mind, and then have to pay back all that money with nothing to show for it.

It’s going to seriously affect my social life

Part of the reason I didn’t want to roll straight into a Masters was because I wanted time to have a relationship, get married, have kids. But that was based on the fact that I already had a boyfriend and we had plans. Except I found out that he had two sets of plans with two different girls. So my plans changed.

If I go back to school, I won’t have time for a serious relationship. When I’m in school, that’s where my focus is. The flip side of that is that if I eschew a serious relationship, I basically throw away my last remaining childbearing years. Ultimately, going back to school is saying that I’m giving up on motherhood. I know it’s not that cut and dried, but if I commit to 4 years in school, I’ll be in my forties by the time I’m done. If by some miracle I meet and marry a guy in the meantime and have kids, then school gets thrown by the wayside and I’m back to paying back student loans with nothing to show for it. Both scenarios scare the crap out of me.

Wow, putting it on paper, there are more (by one) pros than cons. Or maybe I just didn’t think hard enough to come up with another con. Either way, I’m going to attend a department orientation in mid-December. That will hopefully give me a concrete answer as to whether I want to pursue this. But truthfully, I’m a little excited. And nervous. And scared. It could be great. Or not.

To be continued.

This One's for the Ladies

OK, enough with the soul searching posts! It's time to be a bit silly and a bit random. And speaking of random...

I'm not terribly shy. Ask me just about anything, and I'll give you a straight answer. Alcohol is (usually) not required. So, when a friend of mine recently asked me about why I get a Brazilian wax every month I told her this: "Because it doesn't hurt the way you think it does and it's easier than the alternatives."

Seriously. OK, I know that those of you who have never done it think I'm crazy. But hear me out. A LOT of it has to do with the type of wax that's used. My fabulous aesthetician Laura uses hard wax, which hurts WAY less than the other type (that's normally used for bikini waxes). I have no idea why it hurts less, but it does. Hey, I get this done every month without fail. I know. Before I found Laura I was getting regular bikini waxes done in salons, and they hurt.

I was scared to death the first time I got a Brazilian done. I mean, that's a sensitive area! But it was not a big deal at all. Laura is super quick (I'm always out in 10 minutes or less) and the woman knows what she's doing! Plus, she talks the whole damn time, which is good for a distraction.

I won't say it doesn't hurt at all, but it's not the kind of searing pain you're thinking it is. And it doesn't last. It's kinda like, riiiipp - done. And if you get it done on a regular basis, it's nothing. That's part of the reason I go every month. Well, that and I can't stand "overgrowth." And it takes care of front AND back - so everything is easier to keep clean.

The upside to waxing over shaving is that it leaves the area soft. And sensitive. Which is REALLY a plus when it comes to "nighttime activities" (or nooners, if you're into that). It makes cleanup easier and enhances sensation. I'm not kidding! The ex was so into them that he offered to pay for them to make sure I kept getting them. And they're heaven sent in the summer when you have to worry about bathing suits.

Think about just trying it. It's winter, so you won't have to worry about showing it off until you're sure you're happy. I will tell you that with hard wax, you might find some "remnants" when you get home. But a little baby oil in the shower takes it right off.

If you're in the LA area, give Laura a call - I can't recommend her enough! If you're outside the area, check and make sure that the person you're thinking of going to uses hard wax. I can't stress that enough!

See, I told you this was a random post! But like I said, I'll talk about almost anything. So, if there's something you want me to jabber on about, let me know.

The Power of Honesty

I'm an honest person. An unfailingly honest person. I abhor any type of lie, and I refuse to tell one. This doesn't mean I'm not tactful - I try my best to temper the truth I tell with kindness. But I won't lie - ever. It's a matter of character and integrity.

I guess that's why I'm so shocked when I'm lied to. It's something an honest person just can't fathom. I really don't think that honesty is too much to expect, but apparently it is - from some people, at least. I won't accept excuses for dishonesty. I don't care what your baggage is from your mother or how scared you are of the consequences. Lying is always a choice, and to make that choice makes you a liar. If you choose to lie to me, then my trust in you is gone. There is no second chance. Maybe that sounds harsh, but I can't have people in my life that I have to second guess. You can trust me always - I should be able to expect the same from you.

Below is an entry taken from DailyOm.com. I wanted to share because it speaks to the honor of honesty. Good people tell the truth. Bad people don't. That's how I feel.


Power In Honesty
Staying True To Your Word

Promises are easily made. Keeping them often proves more difficult because when we are pressured to strive always for perfection, we find it simpler to agree to undertake impossible tasks than to say no. Likewise, there is an infinite array of circumstances that conspire to goad us into telling falsehoods, even when we hold a great reverence for truth. When you endeavor to consistently keep your word, however, you protect your reputation and promote yourself as someone who can be trusted to be unfailingly truthful. Though your honesty may not always endear you to others-for there will always be those who fear the truth-you can nonetheless be certain that your integrity is never tarnished by the patina of deceit. Since frankness and sincerity form the basis of all life-enriching relationships, your word is one of your most precious and powerful possessions.

When we promise more than we can deliver, hide from the consequences of our actions through falsehoods, or deny our true selves to others, we hurt those who were counting on us by proving that their faith was wrongly given. We are also hurt by the lies we tell and the promises we break. Integrity is the foundation of civilization, allowing people to live, work, and play side by side without fear or apprehension. As you cultivate honesty within yourself, you will find that your honor and reliability put people at ease. Others will feel comfortable seeking out your friendship and collaborating with you on projects of great importance, certain that their positive expectations will be met. If you do catch yourself in a lie, ask yourself what you wanted to hide and why you felt you couldn't be truthful. And if life's surprises prevent you from keeping your word, simply admit your error apologetically and make amends quickly.

Since the path of truth frequently represents the more difficult journey, embarking upon it builds character. You can harness the power of your word when you do your best to live a life of honesty and understand what motivates dishonesty. In keeping your agreements and embodying sincerity, you prove that you are worthy of trust and perceive values as something to be incorporated into your daily existence.

What I Learned in the Hospital

I had another first in my life yesterday - The First Time I Ever Stayed at the Hospital. Oh, I've BEEN to the hospital plenty of times. Practically lived there when Mom was sick. Even fainted in one while visiting my father when I was a teenager. I've been there for births, for hysterectomies, for heart procedures...just none of them mine.

I'm a great hospital visitor. I bring good cheer and flowers and trashy magazines. But as a patient? NEVER. My family is one of those "grit your teeth and eventually the pain will stop" Midwestern clans. But when I gritted my teeth for 3 hours yesterday morning (in between the puking up bile sessions) and the pain didn't change at all, I decided I needed to get to the doctor. Who immediately made me go to the ER (conveniently located next door).

I will give the hospital its due and say that I was treated very well. They started me on morphine right away to control the pain and got me into a room within 15 minutes of arrival (I guess my body decided to rebel at a convenient time). I was checked on often, asked if I had anyone to be with me, and generally taken care of. But I had a lot of downtime. A LOT of downtime. To just think. These were some of the things I came up with:

1. People WANT to be there for me

My brother was in Fort Worth and changed his flight to miss a whole day of meetings just to be with me. Even though what was wrong was not even close to life threatening. Even though he's a bigwig who shouldn't be blowing off meetings. But he wanted to be there for me. There was never a question - he just had his assistant change his flight.

My roommate's mother called in the evening, very upset that she hadn't been told I was in the hospital. This is a woman who isn't related to me, but sees me as one of her own. It genuinely upset her that she wasn't given the opportunity to be there for me. That touched me.

And I can't even begin to count all of the Facebook messages I got from wonderful people who were concerned about me. And text messages. And e-mails. These caring, thoughtful people whom I've only seen in person a handful of times were making sure I was OK - even though I know they have tons on their own plates.

I was genuinely overwhelmed at the support I received and am still awed by it.

2. I'm not cut out to be a patient

I know the goal of a hospital is to recuperate. They come in, take fluids, temperatures, blood pressures...that's their job. The rest of the time, you lay around and watch TV and look at the people who are visiting you because there's nothing new to say. I was so intensely bored at the hospital...all I wanted was my laptop. That sounds so petty, I know. But once my pain was managed, I was done. Why take care of the underlying problem when I'm feeling OK and I can just go home and you can give my bed to a SICK PERSON? I guess it's better than the alternative of being in writhing pain and thinking of nothing else. But if I'm going to lay around and do nothing, I'd rather be at a spa.

3. I miss the boyfriend I didn't have

That sounds weird, I know. And for the most part, the ex has been out of my mind and definitely out of my life since the "final conversation" about the cheating scandal. But being in the hospital crystallized to me that I don't currently have a "special someone" to call to take care of me. Who will drop everything and rush over and care for me. But you know what? I didn't have that in the ex, either. If yesterday had happened while we were together, I would have been told (in this order): a) "I'm working and I'll be there when I can, but it might be a late night. Call me later and update me if you don't hear from me." b) "It's getting late and I don't know when I'll be out of here. It'll probably be after visiting hours. I'll call you on my way home to see if you want me to stop by." c) "It's obviously too late for me to stop by, and I don't think I'll be able to get over there before work tomorrow. Call me when you wake up and let me know what the doctor says."

The sad part is, that's really how it would have happened. He was never the guy to drop everything and rush to my side, even when my mother died. It was always what was convenient for him, on his terms. Oh, and he would dispute that. But he also disputed that he had another girlfriend, where he lived when we met, etc. So, I don't think him saying, "I wouldn't have done that!" holds much weight.

I realized that I miss the boyfriend I THOUGHT I had, but never did. And that made me sad, because I always thought he was so much more than he actually was. Realizing how he would have reacted to my hospital stay, versus how I would have WANTED him to react, freed me in some way. I mean, I've been free of him for quite a while now. But that shadow of what I thought I was missing is gone, because what I missed was never really there. And I deserve the man in my life to act the same way my brother did - drop everything and get there as fast as he can. Because that's what I would do for my guy.

I told you I had a lot of time to think! This isn't all about the ex - just being in that situation helped show me what I'm worth to people. And to myself. And it's a lot. So I won't be selling myself short anymore.

Oh, and the medical stuff is better. Antibiotics and pain meds took care of it, although I may need surgery in the future. And DEFINITELY if it makes it so I never feel that level of pain ever again!

Mom Anniversary

Today is the anniversary of my mother's death. Three years ago, I had easily the worst day of my life. Luckily, I had people around me who loved me to help me cope. That night was the absolute worst in my life. And the people who chose to be there for me made me realize that I am not alone.

Love is someone who will rally the troops for you. Love is someone who will BE there when tragedy strikes, and not have to be asked. Love is someone who will care for you and not expect anything in return when you're not in a position to give it.

I have love in my life. It may not be the romantic, fairytale kind. Yet. But I'm honoring myself and my mother's memory enough to not settle for anything less than she'd want for me. Than I deserve. I am my mother's daughter, and I am proud of that.

You Think You Know a Person

I have gotten so much information over the past few days that, quite frankly, I'm in a state of shock. I can't go into details right now - partly because of the sheer length of the story, partly because I don't yet know the WHOLE story (I keep unconvering pieces), and partly because I don't know that anybody would believe it, because it's a stunner.

This is all terribly cryptic, I know. Suffice it for now to say that I'm OK emotionally and physically. Nothing has been done to me that I can't get past. I'm in the driver's seat of my life.

You just think you know a person, and that the worst thing he ever did to you was X, but then find out it was also A and B and C and D... And it wasn't only you that he did it to. And you think about the kind of personality it takes to do those things. And you're stunned. And you remind yourself that it wasn't YOU. It wasn't about YOU. It was a pattern. A sick, twisted pattern that you were woven into. But you're not there anymore. And that's good.

Then you try to convince yourself that things will be better. Eventually. Finances will get back on track - eventually. You'll trust a man again - eventually. You won't keep rehashing every little detail and coming up with new revelations - eventually.

You just think you know a person, then you realize that person never really existed. It was just a facade to draw you in, and you got just enough from him to keep you in that tangled web. It goes beyond character to a clinical condition.

He has no power over me now. None. No sympathies, no understanding, nothing. I don't need revenge. How fabulous my life is (and will continue to be) without him is enough. I know I'll look back on this in a few years and barely remember his face or the times we spent together. And I won't want to, because I'll have moved well on with someone else.

Knowing I'm a good person, and that there are other really good people out there who have been affected by this, is some comfort. I can live with myself. I'm not the one who has digestive problems and night terrors because I can't juggle separate lives. I can hold my head high. I and some others may have been duped, but we're smarter for it now. How's the song go? "Won't get fooled again."

Relationship Manifesto

So, I’ve been giving some thought to what I want in the next boyfriend (I didn’t have the luxury of “falling” into a relationship with a co-worker while still in my committed, 4.5 year relationship like some people I know). I realize that the person I need to be with, who will make me most happy, is the complete opposite of the person I was with through most of my 30’s. So, this is what I need in the next one:

1. Drink alcohol

I know this may sound bizarre, but with the exception of my very first boyfriend in high school, all of the men in my life have been non-drinkers. Not just non-drinkers in the sense that they don’t drink much, but complete, that-stuff-will-never-touch-my-lips people. Why is this important? Well, here’s the thing: If you don’t drink for religious reasons, that already makes us incompatible. If you don’t drink because you think it’s wrong, then we’re starting out with me enjoying something you don’t approve of. I don’t need or want to be judged. Plus, it’s something we can’t share. I like going to a pub on a Friday after a long week and having a couple of drinks. I spent 4.5 years not being able to share that with the person who was supposed to be the most important one in my life. Sure, we don’t have to like all of the same things. But I have found over numerous relationships that the people I am attracted to who don’t drink have a harder time just letting loose in general, and I’m over drama. Please, give me somebody who can relax with a beer.

2. Be financially stable

Listen, your last name doesn’t have to be Rockefeller. And I am very well aware of the current economic climate, (heck, I’m even the victim of furloughs). But be able to pay your bills. On time. Without reminding. And don’t be stupid about your money and do things like repeatedly run up a $500 cell phone bill month after month because you’re too dumb to change your plan. And don’t ever play the game of telling me about your financial woes so I can volunteer to come to your rescue so you can hold up the “I didn’t ask you for money” card. Being able to successfully take care of your finances is basic to having a successful, grown-up life. No more Peter Pans who won’t pay their electric bill, but will happily spend money on Imogene Heap tickets and tell you he’s broke so he can’t repay you what he owes you. Over and over again.

3. Don’t be a liar

This seems so very basic, but so very difficult for people to actually DO. It’s not difficult. TELL THE TRUTH. EVERY TIME. Not just “when it won’t get you in trouble.” If you’re doing something that you have to lie about, then you know you shouldn’t be doing it, and I have a right to know. And don’t try to cover your lie with stupid excuses about repeated bank snafus, or preposterous credit card issues, or that you were talking about my birthday, or (my favorite) that I didn’t see what I saw. Most important, don’t make me feel like a lunatic, paranoid girlfriend when I call you something suspicious AND I’M RIGHT! This was a favorite trick – to turn it around on me that I wasn’t being understanding enough when I caught him in stories that didn’t add up, so that next time, I’d give him even more leeway to give me an even more outrageous story. Just tell me the truth. If you’re with someone you have to lie to, then obviously you shouldn’t be with them, and just end it already. Why go through charades? Looking back, there were so many lies in my last relationship, well before the “other girlfriend” (well, the other girlfriend that I know about). I’d question things I saw in a blog, or a comment that didn’t match up with other things, movies that I didn’t know he’d seen but was now referencing, or seeing two different freakin’ birth years for him, and I’d be handed some convoluted story about these terribly special situations. That of course were total lies. About stuff that didn’t even need to be lied about! I find that I really never knew my ex, because he lied as easily as he breathed. And I made it easy for him, because I WANTED to believe him. I didn’t want to be that suspicious girlfriend stereotype. But I was right to be suspicious. It was funny that these incredibly special situations continually happened to only this one person in my life – repeatedly! Wow, he just had the worst luck of anyone on the planet.

The next one has to give me reasons NOT to be suspicious. Total transparency (which the ex told me he was giving me when we were in couples counseling – ha!). I need to not have a reason to question that he’s where he says he is, or that what he’s telling me is anything but the truth. He needs to WANT to prove himself to me because he values me so much, and not get defensive at every question I ask. What I observe on my own needs to MATCH what he’s telling me. I’ve already gone the route of believing his stories over my own observations, and I won’t be doing that again.

4. Like my music

Again, something that seems so small, but for me translates into something greater. You don’t need to know the names of all the band members in Gaelic Storm. But you DO need to be willing to give it an honest try, and to go with me to the concerts I like because you want to spend time with me, and maybe find something new you’ll like. I’ve gone to so many concerts (and movies and other events) by myself because he “didn’t like” whatever it was. Well, sometimes it’s not about what YOU like. It’s about supporting the person you love and doing things with that person. And being open minded enough to try new things. I don’t recall turning down much of what he asked me to do, except a movie here and there, and he always found someone else to go with (most likely the other girlfriend, rather than the guy pal he told me he was with – points for partial honesty? I think not.). Plus, music is SO important to me. The next boy needs to realize that and WANT to support me and be with me when I do things I enjoy, just because I enjoy them, and not make it about him.

5. My friends and family need to like you

Now that I’ve been broken up with the ex for 6 months (and especially with the new cheating information), I have gotten so much feedback that they never really liked him. And looking back, I realize they never praised him to me at all. They never said what a great guy he was or that they liked the way he treated me (because he was selfish and didn’t treat me well – only when it suited his purpose of receiving admiration). Wow, that’s a red flag I should have seen! If friends and family aren’t excited about your relationship, why should you be? They can objectively see how you’re being treated without being in the middle of the manipulation. Of course, nobody said anything to me because the prevailing belief is that someone in love will not listen to outsiders about a relationship. I’ve asked them to be honest with me from now on. If I’m stupid, please call me on it.

So, I need someone that my people like. Because if they like you, chances are there’s a reason for it. You’re a good guy and good to me. But if they don’t like you, they must have a reason, and they don’t have a vested interest in rationalizing it away.

6. My cat needs to like you

Alex never liked the ex from the start. I’ve come to the conclusion that he’s the only one (and certainly the only male) in my life who’s been giving me the hard truth. So, the next boy needs to pass the cat test. If he doesn’t like you, then you’re probably not the one for me. Because, given recent experiences, I’d rather have Alex on my bed than most boys. You need to be the exception to that. If Alex will be in the same room with you and let you pet him, you must be OK.

7. I need to be proud of you

I didn’t realize how many excuses I was making for the ex until I was out of the relationship. His career, which was his only source of self-esteem, was so up and down that I couldn’t really point to that as a point of pride. I certainly couldn’t point to the way he treated me with pride – someone who broke dates and was hours late and super sensitive at any hint of questioning. So, the next guy needs to be the type of person I can be proud of. You don’t need to be a top surgeon or male equivalent of Mother Theresa, but you DO have to have integrity. And self-esteem. And be a person who cares for others. Your focus should be on the wider world, and not just on yourself and what you want.

8. Respect me and my time

Being chronically late is just disrespectful. Sometimes it’s unavoidable, but most of the time it’s poor planning. Care enough about me and my time to plan so you’re on time for me. I do that for you. If you know it takes 25 minutes to get to my house in the middle of the night, don’t leave 5 minutes before you’re supposed to be here during rush hour. Don’t call me when you’re already late and tell me you haven’t left because of “the damn clock.” Yeah, the clock is what made you late, not your lack of planning or consideration.


I want someone who thinks of me when he hears “She Was the Prize” or “She’s Everything” or “Then.” I want someone who realizes what a gem he has in me, and will do nothing to jeopardize it. I deserve someone who puts me first, respects me (and my time), would never put me in a precarious position, and WANTS to be with me, wants to spend as much time with me as possible. I deserve more than fighting for scraps of time after work and “me time” and other girlfriend time.

I KNOW there are good men out there. I know them. But they’re all taken. I just need to find one who, like me, is between failed relationships. Then we can be in a successful relationship together.

So, if you know anybody like that, I’m open to suggestions.

He Cheated

Are we really surprised? For the last 9 months of our relationship. And she knew he had a girlfriend. So, we have two cheaters together who will never have a moment's peace, because they'll always be wondering when the other person will do TO them what was done WITH them.

I was hurt, then sad, then angry. Now, I'm over it. All in the span of less than 24 hours. How did I do that? I'm sure being broken up for 6 months already when I found out helped. But what really helps is the fact that, as Kellie Pickler puts it, "he's already had the best days of his life." With me. But I have not yet had the best days of mine.

I don't hate him, I don't pity him, I don't ANYTHING him. He has to live with what he did. All of that is on him. Kinda sad, really. I have amazing friends, great family, a good job and lots of prospects. He has maybe 1 friend who knows the real story, and he has to pretend to everyone else. I can hold my head up high and look people in the eye. I'm not ashamed for people to know who I am and what I've done.

Gaelic Storm says, "She was the prize." And I was. He lost that prize. Lucky for the next guy.

Julie and Julia and Rose

OK, first off – I LOVED Julie and Julia. LOVED IT. I really don’t care if the real Julie Powell threw around four-letter words on her blog and couldn’t cook worth a damn. I really don’t care if Julia Child was a spy who helped develop shark repellant. These aren’t relevant to the movie.

Newsflash: The movie is entertainment. And it does its job. I was entertained.

It also got me thinking. About blogging. See, the central premise of the movie is that Julie (Powell) finds direction in her life by taking on the task of cooking all 524 of Julia (Child’s) recipes in her landmark cookbook, Mastering the Art of French Cooking, and blogging about the experience. Supposedly taking on this task with a 365 day deadline inspired Julie to find herself. And a book deal. And a movie deal. And another book deal.

So, I got to thinking – do I have to have a purpose in order for my own blog to be worthwhile? I already know that nobody reads it. I also know that I’m, shall we say, less than diligent about providing regular updates. But maybe that’s precisely because my blog doesn’t have a hook, a gimmick – it’s just me talking about me. And truthfully, I’m not that interesting, which doesn’t inspire me to write often.

But, a blog with a purpose – something specific to write about – that would force me to write, right?

Who the hell am I kidding? I’m not a writer. I’m just some poor slob (like so many others) who spews whatever comes into my head onto my keyboard. I have no lofty goals for this little patch of cyberspace. Besides, I’m commitment phobic. To make a grand statement and say, “I’m going to do this on a regular basis for this long” is just a joke. It’s like a shiny toy to pick up, turn over, and leave on the floor for the dog to start chewing on.

What’s my goal here? Is it to have a ton of readers? Someplace to vent? Attention? A book deal?

Nope, none of the above. Until I figure it out, my posts will probably be all over the place. Every writer is supposed to have a point of view. Except that I’m not a writer. I’m a schmuck who works for a state university whose budget has gone down the tubes and will now have two furlough days a month.

Hey, there’s a thought. Write about what I do on the furlough days. Yeah, like cleaning the house tomorrow and mystery shopping on Monday. Those are real attention grabbers. Next idea…

Single in the big city has been done. I don’t cook. I’m apolitical. I don’t have kids. I don’t work at Starbucks. As BNL says, “It’s all been done before.” So, I can either do it again, and probably not as well, or wait for inspiration to strike. Or just write a bunch of nonsense so I can call myself a blogger. Which is pretty much where I am currently.

As for finding meaning in my life? I’m probably more likely to find a $3 bill. But I’ll be here, chugging along, waiting for a revelation.

Oh, and if you go to the movie? Take really good snacks. No popcorn and M&Ms BS. Get thee to Whole Foods for some good soft cheese, some good bread, maybe a pastry or two…you will thank me later. It’s almost a participatory experience, like Rocky Horror. Eat your cheese during the scene where Julia introduces her sister to brie. It’s better than throwing toilet paper! And more personally satisfying, too.

‘Fessing Up (3 months condensed into one convenient post)

Hi, kiddies. Yes, I know it’s been a MILLION YEARS since I’ve posted. Yes, I know you’ve been waiting with terribly baited breath to know what’s going on. But, since just about everyone (all three of you) who actually read this blog are Facebook friends, you pretty much know why I haven’t updated. For any newbies who stumble onto this page thinking it has something with gardening or bespectacled former BNL singers, here’s the recap:

I broke up with The Boy. On March 29.

Yes, it’s been over 3 freakin’ months. But it’s taken me that long to be comfortable with it. I don’t want to get into the gory details, but let’s just say that he lied to me. And that’s the one thing I can’t abide. Because if you lie to me about something small, there’s no point in lying if it doesn’t matter anyway. And if you lie to me about something big, well, you really shouldn’t be lying about something that DOES matter. And if you lie to me about one thing, what else have you lied about? Trust is completely obliterated. So, it comes down to, DON’T LIE. EVER. The ridiculous thing is, if he’d come to me about what he lied about, I would have done my best to help him. I wouldn’t have gotten angry. But he chose to lie instead. And once he got caught, to tell me that he was trying to protect me by lying, since I have so much stress in my life and all. Um, except there really isn’t that much stress. Yes, money is always a factor, but when isn’t it? We’re all trying to figure out how to pay our bills every month. How is now more stressful than when my mother was dying or every semester I was in school and pulling my hair out over grades and finals? As I recall, he had no compunction about coming to me during THOSE times with HIS problems for ME to solve. It just came down to the fact that he didn’t want to get caught. But he did. Because I ALWAYS catch the liars. And usually it’s when I have no idea they’ve done something at which to be caught.

So I’ve been having some “me time.” You know, that time after a breakup when every fiber of your being is caught up in convincing yourself that you’re not such a wretched human being and didn’t bring all this mess upon yourself? That you didn’t deserve everything you got and that you shouldn’t be miserable for the rest of your life because that’s what you deserve and that’s all anybody gives you anyway? Yeah, that was me. Wallowing in my own well of self pity.

Oh, and there are also the times when you run into people who know you’ve been in a long term relationship and ask, “How’s The Boy?” because they’re too far out of your inner circle/daily life to know what happened. So there’s that moment of deciding whether to choke back the tears, give a one-liner about the joys of now being single, and shine a bright smile, or choke on sobs as you try to get the words out, or just say, “fine” thinking there’s no point in telling them anyway.

Then there are the people who are closest to you, who monitor your every expression, poised at the ready with chocolate and trips to Disneyland should a tremble cross your lips or a bit of water sit at the corner of your eye. These are the ones who want SO badly to make it better, who know exactly what this has cost you, and are angry on your behalf. The ones who want to make you a martyr and skin him alive.

When the truth is, it wasn’t him – it was both of you. Sure, maybe this one thing is the match that sparked the flame, but the kindling had been building up for years. Trust issues, time issues, work issues, money issues, needs not getting met issues... It’s all right there staring you in the face for years, but you can’t bring yourself to do anything about it until that one thing happens that you can’t turn away from. That you can’t dismiss with a wave and a, “That’s just how he is. I have to accept him warts and all because I love him and that’s what you do when you love someone.” No, that’s actually NOT what you do when you love someone. Because if that someone actually loves you back, he doesn’t do a million things that need to be excused. He does his damndest NOT to hurt you. My ex-husband was good that way. Obviously we parted and there were good reasons for that, but I never doubted that he would put me above everything else. Except when HE lied to me and blew up my life. Do we see a pattern forming here?

Right now I’m in the “I need to take care of myself stage.” I’m not interested in hunting for a replacement boyfriend. Oh yes, there are those time I feel the tears sting in my eyes because I don’t have someone to scratch my back or kiss me goodnight. But I’m not going to allow that to put me back in a farce of a relationship. I’m going to be strong this time. I’m not going to run around with puzzle picture of me as the doting wife and mother, and all that’s missing is the husband/father. That’s what I did for years. I tried to mold the men in my life to my expectation of what my life should look like, instead of really seeing them and who they were. I saw who I thought they COULD be. Because I so desperately wanted to be a mom. But not a single mom. I wanted a FAMILY. The whole kit and caboodle. So it was my job to find the guy who could give me that. Because the thought of me not being a mother terrified me.

Now that I’ve hit 37, I’ve started realizing that maybe I’ve gotten past the need to be a mother. Especially with my own mother gone now, it’s starting to feel less and less like that dream still fits the person I’ve become. So much of that dream was wrapped up in sharing my kids with my mom (I even planned to name my first daughter after her). Now she’s gone. And I’ve gotten more set in my ways. I like sleeping late and having my life revolve around me, and not around people I’m taking care of. So I’m starting to see a different picture of what my life could be.

My nephew is about to become a father, so I’ll have a baby around to fuss over. I have lots of friends with kids (although I’d like some of them to be more geographically desirable). I can get baby fixes that way. And maybe it’s OK that I don’t have to get up at 6am on Saturdays and sit out in the sun watching a soccer game. And maybe it’s OK that I don’t have to deal with schools that don’t teach my kids what I want them to learn (like grades actually matter, you have to work hard for what you get and not just have it handed to you because we don’t want you to feel bad, and that proper grammar and spelling DO count). Maybe it’s actually OK to live my life for me and not for someone else.

I know that parenthood has its joys, yada yada yada. Those are joys I was always expecting to experience. But now I’m coming to the conclusion that my life will probably look very different from my plan. Instead of being at a middle school graduation at age 50, I very well may just retire, sell my stuff and move to Tahiti. I won’t have to worry about leaving kids, or loaning money to my adult children, or worse – having them move home. I won’t have anyone I’ll have to answer to or consider. Just me. And while that sometimes sounds lonely, sometimes it sounds blissful.

This doesn’t mean that I’m going to shun men or reject love. But I am a lot more careful now. I’m not pursuing it in the hopes of meeting some timeline. If I meet someone who actually has the same interests as I do, that I actually have things in common with, then I could be persuaded to open my heart again. But it will have to happen naturally. As much of a control freak as I am, I can’t try to fit someone into a pretty picture in my head. If I meet someone whose puzzle pieces fit (so to speak), I won’t necessarily run away. But no more getting involved with men whose lives and opinions and interests are so different from mine that we have no middle ground on which to meet. My chasing days are over – my feet hurt too much.




Disclaimer: The above is subject to change according at any time in accordance with my mood and level of sexual frustration.

My Budget's Tighter Than My Belt

OK, now is when being on such a tight budget is proving to be a challenge:

1. Back in December I said I'd go skydiving with a group (thinking it was the $199 price with a $20 discount). Unfortunately, the jump they chose is $299. I agreed to do this before the Great Budget Meltdown of 2009. I'm afraid that if I back out, I look like I'm too scared to go. It's not that. My goal is to get my credit cards paid off BEFORE THE END OF THE YEAR. Throwing this on the credit card (because it's NOT in the budget) not only means that I won't be able to meet my timeline, but that I am charging more stuff, which is kind of antithetical to what I'm trying to accomplish.

2. Depeche Mode is touring and tickets go on sale this week. Argh! Given some time, I could have worked with my food budget and save enough for a ticket. As it stands, I don't have the scratch to pay cash. Again, it's trying to break myself of the "I really want it, so screw it and put it on the credit card and I'll deal with it later" mentality. But my Cod, I want to see them. I worship Dave Gahan on stage. I lost my virginity after their Rose Bowl show, for Chrissake!

I know that I am going to have to deny myself these (and various other) experiences in order to reach the greater fiscal goal. I'm not good at denying myself anything (we won't even get into the weight issue - that speaks volumes about my lack of self control). But each time I don't give in to temptation, I get stronger (at least that's what I tell myself).

What's that saying..."nothing tastes as good as thin feels?" Well, my new motto is, "nothing purchased feels as good as being debt free."

We'll work on the whole food thing later. One thing at a time....

Feelin' Good

Yep, you read that one right. This is actually a happy post. Because I’ve officially taken control of my life and I’m loving it (as the McD commercials say).

I’ve made some decisions and some changes in my life. And one of the things I like most is that they’re NOT New Year’s Resolutions. That was 2 months ago. What to call these? March madness, perhaps?

1. I’m finally paying off my credit cards

Yes, I’ve spent too extravagantly in the past – if I saw it and wanted it, I bought it. This includes trips to London and New York, Bloomingdales (that heavenly mecca of 8 floored shopping goodness), concerts, cruises, pricey dinners….all the things that magically make that balance go up and the available credit go down. Way down.Well, that’s all changing.

The first thing I did was to nix the fast food, which is what I’ve pretty much lived on for years. (Bonus benefit: healthier eating). I’m now actually cooking at home with what is already in my kitchen. No more spending $100 at the grocery store to try out a new recipe. I’m getting creative with what I have. Which, surprisingly, has turned out OK.

I’ve budgeted myself to within an inch of my life. I am tracking every cent and have gotten incredibly miserly about spending anything. It’s a game for me now. Bonus points if I still have money left at the end of the month, because all the leftovers get put on next month’s credit card payment.

If I stick with my budget, I can have my credit cards paid off by year’s end. It helps that there’s no cruise this year. I’m just looking forward to the joy of seeing my statement along with “$0 balance.”

2. I’ve given deadlines

Therapy is a wonderful thing. Especially if you go by yourself once in a while. I ended up going to our couples counseling session by myself last week because The Boy was in Vegas for work. It’s taken a few days, but it’s been a real eye opener for me.

I’ve discovered that the basis of my unhappiness in our relationship comes from being in such limbo. You see, my goal (dream, whatever) has always been to be a mother. It sounds old fashioned, but I don’t care. My original life plan had me with 3 kids already. But we know how well life plans always go…

Anyway, we’ve always discussed marriage and kids. But the stipulation I’ve put on that is that The Boy HAS to have a staff job before any of that moves forward. I just CANNOT put myself in a situation where I’m worrying about if we’re paying the mortgage every month because of how little he’s worked or not knowing when he’ll get his next check.

Unfortunately, he has no control over whether he gets a staff job. He’s trying, but they’re hard to come by. The thing is, I don’t have control over that, either. And it’s been causing me to wait for years. And at some point, I have to stop waiting.

There are other stipulations as well, but I’ll not go into those out of respect for his privacy. Let’s just say that they’re completely fixable and within his control.

So…I’ve given a deadline. December 31, 2009. By that time The Boy needs to have a staff job and the other issues need to be addressed to the point where I will agree to marriage. If they haven’t, then I have to move on. It’s time for me to pursue MY OWN dream, and not just facilitate the dreams of loved ones.

It may sound harsh and like an ultimatum. But I really just see it as taking control of my own life. Surprisingly, The Boy sees it the same way. When we discussed this, there was no gnashing of teeth, tears or dramatics. He really heard me and he agreed. We’ve been having some amazingly productive conversations lately.

The result is that I finally feel at peace for the first time in years. Taking emotion out of the equation, I know that come January 1, 2010, my life will move forward. The only question at this point is in which direction. But I finally feel like I’m in control of my own destiny and I’m not waiting for outside forces to determine my fate. I’m looking at things in a different way now.

I’m back, baby!

This Is Where It Ends

No, I’m not talking about my relationship. I’m talking about Barenaked Ladies. I’m talking about the singer from whose song I stole the title of my blog. I’m talking about Mr. Steven Page.

See, Steve has left BNL. For the majority of the people (all 7 of you?) reading this blog, that statement means nothing. To me, it means everything. It’s Paul leaving the Beatles. It’s the Bulls without Michael Jordan. It’s nachos without all the gooey cheese.

Steve wasn’t the whole band. There are 4 other very fine, very talented, very cool individuals in the group who will carry the BNL banner. But Steve was a Voice. Not THE voice, as Ed did his fair share of vocals. But Steve was a unique part of the band’s sound. As much as I love Tyler, they could replace the drummer and the songs wouldn’t sound terribly different. Same with keyboards and bass. But when a vocalist leaves, the entire sound changes. Not only the songs Steve sang lead on, but also the harmony he provided on Ed’s. Even Paul McCartney commented that he and John Lennon couldn’t match the harmonies of Ed and Steve.

This is a band that I’ve built vacations around, have traveled to see, and represent a part of my life that while filled with turmoil, was also filled with hope. I found them at a time when I was going through a divorce, living on my own for the first time, and wondering what the hell I was going to do. They made me smile when I thought I couldn’t. Somehow, through their music and their onstage cohesiveness, they made me feel part of a family. I wasn’t worshipping rock stars from afar. I was a part of a welcoming community, just when I needed it most.

Of course there has been talk on the message boards about the whole situation and speculation as to when talk of the separation started. Of course, it’s logical that it started way before the cruise, and someone likened it to waiting until after Christmas to tell the kids you’re getting divorced. Which struck me, because that’s exactly what happened to me when my parents divorced. They told me the day after Christmas so they wouldn’t “ruin” it. And now the band told me a couple weeks after the cruise. I’m happy they waited. While knowing would have made everything more poignant, it also would have made everything much, much sadder. When we got back, a bunch of us threw out theories about what we thought was “off” with the band and why. We just didn’t expect to get confirmation so quickly. Yeah, Mom and Dad were fighting, but we hoped not to get that day after Christmas talk.

I wish Steve the best, I really do. I hope he gets everything he wants. And I hope Ed, Tyler, Jim and Kevin get what they want. But the thought of a new lead singer hurts right now. I’m not ready to see “Mom” with a new boyfriend.

Relationship Update

OK, I know the last time I wrote about my relationship (over a month ago), it sounded pretty grim. It was right after a rough time and I was feeling pretty hopeless. But that’s why we’re in counseling. It’s ups and downs and roundabouts. And counseling is supposed to help us smooth out all the twists and turns into even road. And that’s happening. Slowly.

I love The Boy. I know that doesn’t always come across, but I do. That’s why I hang in. That’s why I agreed to do counseling. As frustrated as I may get, I don’t want him to be out of my life. So I’m learning how to have him in my life without the anger and the fights and the drama.

It’s not a linear path. We go to the counselor, she gives what I think are good suggestions, and I find myself trying to implement them without consciously thinking about it. However, it’s hard to break a pattern. Sometimes I find myself reacting differently (more constructively) to The Boy, and he reacts as if I were perpetuating the old pattern. So the reinforcement I get is that he doesn’t want the dynamic to change. Then I explain to him that I’m trying to break old habits, and he eventually “gets” it. And then it’ll happen again about something else and I wonder why he isn’t trying to change the dynamic as much as I am. Then I get frustrated and sad, and I blog. Then we talk about counseling and implementing change. So, while we’re not in exactly the same pattern we’ve been in for 4 years, we’re not exactly the ideal couple, either.

There have been positive changes. I feel like we can now talk to each other without being on the defensive all the time. We try to see our actions through our counselor’s eyes, and to anticipate what she’d say about the situation. It’s helping. But it’s a process, as they say.

Our cruise was wonderful. We only had one “discussion”, and I’m happy to say it wasn’t a fight and it didn’t last for days, as has been known to happen. We resolved it fairly quickly, and went on to have a lovely time together.

I know The Boy loves me and wants this to work. And I’m happy to say we’re starting to have more good times than bad, which is a major change. There are still things we’re dealing with that are out of our control (his work situation), but we’re making progress.

Slow and steady wins the race (or at least avoids the breakup, hopefully).

Random Mom Memory

This just came into my head as I was sitting here at work...

When my mom lived with us in Phoenix, I went through a period of really trying (and succeeding, to some point) to lose weight. This wasn't easy, considering I was working 2 jobs for a total of about 100 hours a week. One of those jobs was at Baskin-Robbins in the evenings after my day job.

The store was about a mile from our house, and my mom used to cook up some stir-fry and walk it down to my store with our 2 dogs. She'd deliver me my healthy dinner, and I'd give the dogs some soft-serve ice cream outside (the vet said it was OK).

I'm sitting here crying as I remember that. She was so supportive about me losing weight (she always worried about my health). She took time to do that 4 nights a week, even though she was tired from working all day herself. She was so loving and generous, even though she tried to hide it from the world.

In her honor (and for my own good), I'm going to get back on the program. I'll get healthy by hook or by crook.

(And yes, I know I need to update about The Boy status. It's all good - I just haven't been in the mood/haven't had much time to blog lately. Will rectify that situation).

Giving Up the Dream

Sometimes I get so utterly frustrated in my romantic relationships (especially my current one) that the tangled mess of my psyche makes me wonder if I even know my own name anymore. I start out being so clear in my position, about how I feel - then I analyze and bend so far over backward trying to see the other person's side that I start doubting what I knew to be true in the beginning.

I know I can be easily emotionally manipulated. It's happened far too many times in the past. To guard against this, I believe the worst of my partner first until he proves otherwise. And I put up one hell of a fight. You'd be surprised how easily the highly trained ear can pick out insincerity. Ah, but is it REALLY manipulation, or am I imagining it? This one thought goes around and around in my head until I can't believe anything or anyone anymore - not even myself.

I want to be a good person. But how can I be when there are so many bad people out there trying to get me? Trust is a luxury I don't have. Guilty until proven innocent - and don't think THAT won't take a lot of time and trouble.

I am seriously starting to think that maybe I'm meant to be alone. That I just can't make myself mesh that closely with another person. Yeah, I know I have all these dreams about being a wife and a mother. But what if I picked the wrong dreams for the person I truly am? I mean, a short person may want to play pro basketball more than anything in the world, and practice all the time to attain that goal - but chances are it's not going to happen. He just inherently is a bad fit for his chosen dream. A happy family is a lovely dream, but what if I'm not cut out for it?

Should I just throw in the towel and accept that I should spend my life alone? Wait for my nephews to have kids and just dote on them instead of my own? What if my dreams don't match my capabilities? How do you just give up on something you thought you wanted your whole life?