Feelin' Good

Yep, you read that one right. This is actually a happy post. Because I’ve officially taken control of my life and I’m loving it (as the McD commercials say).

I’ve made some decisions and some changes in my life. And one of the things I like most is that they’re NOT New Year’s Resolutions. That was 2 months ago. What to call these? March madness, perhaps?

1. I’m finally paying off my credit cards

Yes, I’ve spent too extravagantly in the past – if I saw it and wanted it, I bought it. This includes trips to London and New York, Bloomingdales (that heavenly mecca of 8 floored shopping goodness), concerts, cruises, pricey dinners….all the things that magically make that balance go up and the available credit go down. Way down.Well, that’s all changing.

The first thing I did was to nix the fast food, which is what I’ve pretty much lived on for years. (Bonus benefit: healthier eating). I’m now actually cooking at home with what is already in my kitchen. No more spending $100 at the grocery store to try out a new recipe. I’m getting creative with what I have. Which, surprisingly, has turned out OK.

I’ve budgeted myself to within an inch of my life. I am tracking every cent and have gotten incredibly miserly about spending anything. It’s a game for me now. Bonus points if I still have money left at the end of the month, because all the leftovers get put on next month’s credit card payment.

If I stick with my budget, I can have my credit cards paid off by year’s end. It helps that there’s no cruise this year. I’m just looking forward to the joy of seeing my statement along with “$0 balance.”

2. I’ve given deadlines

Therapy is a wonderful thing. Especially if you go by yourself once in a while. I ended up going to our couples counseling session by myself last week because The Boy was in Vegas for work. It’s taken a few days, but it’s been a real eye opener for me.

I’ve discovered that the basis of my unhappiness in our relationship comes from being in such limbo. You see, my goal (dream, whatever) has always been to be a mother. It sounds old fashioned, but I don’t care. My original life plan had me with 3 kids already. But we know how well life plans always go…

Anyway, we’ve always discussed marriage and kids. But the stipulation I’ve put on that is that The Boy HAS to have a staff job before any of that moves forward. I just CANNOT put myself in a situation where I’m worrying about if we’re paying the mortgage every month because of how little he’s worked or not knowing when he’ll get his next check.

Unfortunately, he has no control over whether he gets a staff job. He’s trying, but they’re hard to come by. The thing is, I don’t have control over that, either. And it’s been causing me to wait for years. And at some point, I have to stop waiting.

There are other stipulations as well, but I’ll not go into those out of respect for his privacy. Let’s just say that they’re completely fixable and within his control.

So…I’ve given a deadline. December 31, 2009. By that time The Boy needs to have a staff job and the other issues need to be addressed to the point where I will agree to marriage. If they haven’t, then I have to move on. It’s time for me to pursue MY OWN dream, and not just facilitate the dreams of loved ones.

It may sound harsh and like an ultimatum. But I really just see it as taking control of my own life. Surprisingly, The Boy sees it the same way. When we discussed this, there was no gnashing of teeth, tears or dramatics. He really heard me and he agreed. We’ve been having some amazingly productive conversations lately.

The result is that I finally feel at peace for the first time in years. Taking emotion out of the equation, I know that come January 1, 2010, my life will move forward. The only question at this point is in which direction. But I finally feel like I’m in control of my own destiny and I’m not waiting for outside forces to determine my fate. I’m looking at things in a different way now.

I’m back, baby!