Relationship Manifesto

So, I’ve been giving some thought to what I want in the next boyfriend (I didn’t have the luxury of “falling” into a relationship with a co-worker while still in my committed, 4.5 year relationship like some people I know). I realize that the person I need to be with, who will make me most happy, is the complete opposite of the person I was with through most of my 30’s. So, this is what I need in the next one:

1. Drink alcohol

I know this may sound bizarre, but with the exception of my very first boyfriend in high school, all of the men in my life have been non-drinkers. Not just non-drinkers in the sense that they don’t drink much, but complete, that-stuff-will-never-touch-my-lips people. Why is this important? Well, here’s the thing: If you don’t drink for religious reasons, that already makes us incompatible. If you don’t drink because you think it’s wrong, then we’re starting out with me enjoying something you don’t approve of. I don’t need or want to be judged. Plus, it’s something we can’t share. I like going to a pub on a Friday after a long week and having a couple of drinks. I spent 4.5 years not being able to share that with the person who was supposed to be the most important one in my life. Sure, we don’t have to like all of the same things. But I have found over numerous relationships that the people I am attracted to who don’t drink have a harder time just letting loose in general, and I’m over drama. Please, give me somebody who can relax with a beer.

2. Be financially stable

Listen, your last name doesn’t have to be Rockefeller. And I am very well aware of the current economic climate, (heck, I’m even the victim of furloughs). But be able to pay your bills. On time. Without reminding. And don’t be stupid about your money and do things like repeatedly run up a $500 cell phone bill month after month because you’re too dumb to change your plan. And don’t ever play the game of telling me about your financial woes so I can volunteer to come to your rescue so you can hold up the “I didn’t ask you for money” card. Being able to successfully take care of your finances is basic to having a successful, grown-up life. No more Peter Pans who won’t pay their electric bill, but will happily spend money on Imogene Heap tickets and tell you he’s broke so he can’t repay you what he owes you. Over and over again.

3. Don’t be a liar

This seems so very basic, but so very difficult for people to actually DO. It’s not difficult. TELL THE TRUTH. EVERY TIME. Not just “when it won’t get you in trouble.” If you’re doing something that you have to lie about, then you know you shouldn’t be doing it, and I have a right to know. And don’t try to cover your lie with stupid excuses about repeated bank snafus, or preposterous credit card issues, or that you were talking about my birthday, or (my favorite) that I didn’t see what I saw. Most important, don’t make me feel like a lunatic, paranoid girlfriend when I call you something suspicious AND I’M RIGHT! This was a favorite trick – to turn it around on me that I wasn’t being understanding enough when I caught him in stories that didn’t add up, so that next time, I’d give him even more leeway to give me an even more outrageous story. Just tell me the truth. If you’re with someone you have to lie to, then obviously you shouldn’t be with them, and just end it already. Why go through charades? Looking back, there were so many lies in my last relationship, well before the “other girlfriend” (well, the other girlfriend that I know about). I’d question things I saw in a blog, or a comment that didn’t match up with other things, movies that I didn’t know he’d seen but was now referencing, or seeing two different freakin’ birth years for him, and I’d be handed some convoluted story about these terribly special situations. That of course were total lies. About stuff that didn’t even need to be lied about! I find that I really never knew my ex, because he lied as easily as he breathed. And I made it easy for him, because I WANTED to believe him. I didn’t want to be that suspicious girlfriend stereotype. But I was right to be suspicious. It was funny that these incredibly special situations continually happened to only this one person in my life – repeatedly! Wow, he just had the worst luck of anyone on the planet.

The next one has to give me reasons NOT to be suspicious. Total transparency (which the ex told me he was giving me when we were in couples counseling – ha!). I need to not have a reason to question that he’s where he says he is, or that what he’s telling me is anything but the truth. He needs to WANT to prove himself to me because he values me so much, and not get defensive at every question I ask. What I observe on my own needs to MATCH what he’s telling me. I’ve already gone the route of believing his stories over my own observations, and I won’t be doing that again.

4. Like my music

Again, something that seems so small, but for me translates into something greater. You don’t need to know the names of all the band members in Gaelic Storm. But you DO need to be willing to give it an honest try, and to go with me to the concerts I like because you want to spend time with me, and maybe find something new you’ll like. I’ve gone to so many concerts (and movies and other events) by myself because he “didn’t like” whatever it was. Well, sometimes it’s not about what YOU like. It’s about supporting the person you love and doing things with that person. And being open minded enough to try new things. I don’t recall turning down much of what he asked me to do, except a movie here and there, and he always found someone else to go with (most likely the other girlfriend, rather than the guy pal he told me he was with – points for partial honesty? I think not.). Plus, music is SO important to me. The next boy needs to realize that and WANT to support me and be with me when I do things I enjoy, just because I enjoy them, and not make it about him.

5. My friends and family need to like you

Now that I’ve been broken up with the ex for 6 months (and especially with the new cheating information), I have gotten so much feedback that they never really liked him. And looking back, I realize they never praised him to me at all. They never said what a great guy he was or that they liked the way he treated me (because he was selfish and didn’t treat me well – only when it suited his purpose of receiving admiration). Wow, that’s a red flag I should have seen! If friends and family aren’t excited about your relationship, why should you be? They can objectively see how you’re being treated without being in the middle of the manipulation. Of course, nobody said anything to me because the prevailing belief is that someone in love will not listen to outsiders about a relationship. I’ve asked them to be honest with me from now on. If I’m stupid, please call me on it.

So, I need someone that my people like. Because if they like you, chances are there’s a reason for it. You’re a good guy and good to me. But if they don’t like you, they must have a reason, and they don’t have a vested interest in rationalizing it away.

6. My cat needs to like you

Alex never liked the ex from the start. I’ve come to the conclusion that he’s the only one (and certainly the only male) in my life who’s been giving me the hard truth. So, the next boy needs to pass the cat test. If he doesn’t like you, then you’re probably not the one for me. Because, given recent experiences, I’d rather have Alex on my bed than most boys. You need to be the exception to that. If Alex will be in the same room with you and let you pet him, you must be OK.

7. I need to be proud of you

I didn’t realize how many excuses I was making for the ex until I was out of the relationship. His career, which was his only source of self-esteem, was so up and down that I couldn’t really point to that as a point of pride. I certainly couldn’t point to the way he treated me with pride – someone who broke dates and was hours late and super sensitive at any hint of questioning. So, the next guy needs to be the type of person I can be proud of. You don’t need to be a top surgeon or male equivalent of Mother Theresa, but you DO have to have integrity. And self-esteem. And be a person who cares for others. Your focus should be on the wider world, and not just on yourself and what you want.

8. Respect me and my time

Being chronically late is just disrespectful. Sometimes it’s unavoidable, but most of the time it’s poor planning. Care enough about me and my time to plan so you’re on time for me. I do that for you. If you know it takes 25 minutes to get to my house in the middle of the night, don’t leave 5 minutes before you’re supposed to be here during rush hour. Don’t call me when you’re already late and tell me you haven’t left because of “the damn clock.” Yeah, the clock is what made you late, not your lack of planning or consideration.


I want someone who thinks of me when he hears “She Was the Prize” or “She’s Everything” or “Then.” I want someone who realizes what a gem he has in me, and will do nothing to jeopardize it. I deserve someone who puts me first, respects me (and my time), would never put me in a precarious position, and WANTS to be with me, wants to spend as much time with me as possible. I deserve more than fighting for scraps of time after work and “me time” and other girlfriend time.

I KNOW there are good men out there. I know them. But they’re all taken. I just need to find one who, like me, is between failed relationships. Then we can be in a successful relationship together.

So, if you know anybody like that, I’m open to suggestions.

‘Fessing Up (3 months condensed into one convenient post)

Hi, kiddies. Yes, I know it’s been a MILLION YEARS since I’ve posted. Yes, I know you’ve been waiting with terribly baited breath to know what’s going on. But, since just about everyone (all three of you) who actually read this blog are Facebook friends, you pretty much know why I haven’t updated. For any newbies who stumble onto this page thinking it has something with gardening or bespectacled former BNL singers, here’s the recap:

I broke up with The Boy. On March 29.

Yes, it’s been over 3 freakin’ months. But it’s taken me that long to be comfortable with it. I don’t want to get into the gory details, but let’s just say that he lied to me. And that’s the one thing I can’t abide. Because if you lie to me about something small, there’s no point in lying if it doesn’t matter anyway. And if you lie to me about something big, well, you really shouldn’t be lying about something that DOES matter. And if you lie to me about one thing, what else have you lied about? Trust is completely obliterated. So, it comes down to, DON’T LIE. EVER. The ridiculous thing is, if he’d come to me about what he lied about, I would have done my best to help him. I wouldn’t have gotten angry. But he chose to lie instead. And once he got caught, to tell me that he was trying to protect me by lying, since I have so much stress in my life and all. Um, except there really isn’t that much stress. Yes, money is always a factor, but when isn’t it? We’re all trying to figure out how to pay our bills every month. How is now more stressful than when my mother was dying or every semester I was in school and pulling my hair out over grades and finals? As I recall, he had no compunction about coming to me during THOSE times with HIS problems for ME to solve. It just came down to the fact that he didn’t want to get caught. But he did. Because I ALWAYS catch the liars. And usually it’s when I have no idea they’ve done something at which to be caught.

So I’ve been having some “me time.” You know, that time after a breakup when every fiber of your being is caught up in convincing yourself that you’re not such a wretched human being and didn’t bring all this mess upon yourself? That you didn’t deserve everything you got and that you shouldn’t be miserable for the rest of your life because that’s what you deserve and that’s all anybody gives you anyway? Yeah, that was me. Wallowing in my own well of self pity.

Oh, and there are also the times when you run into people who know you’ve been in a long term relationship and ask, “How’s The Boy?” because they’re too far out of your inner circle/daily life to know what happened. So there’s that moment of deciding whether to choke back the tears, give a one-liner about the joys of now being single, and shine a bright smile, or choke on sobs as you try to get the words out, or just say, “fine” thinking there’s no point in telling them anyway.

Then there are the people who are closest to you, who monitor your every expression, poised at the ready with chocolate and trips to Disneyland should a tremble cross your lips or a bit of water sit at the corner of your eye. These are the ones who want SO badly to make it better, who know exactly what this has cost you, and are angry on your behalf. The ones who want to make you a martyr and skin him alive.

When the truth is, it wasn’t him – it was both of you. Sure, maybe this one thing is the match that sparked the flame, but the kindling had been building up for years. Trust issues, time issues, work issues, money issues, needs not getting met issues... It’s all right there staring you in the face for years, but you can’t bring yourself to do anything about it until that one thing happens that you can’t turn away from. That you can’t dismiss with a wave and a, “That’s just how he is. I have to accept him warts and all because I love him and that’s what you do when you love someone.” No, that’s actually NOT what you do when you love someone. Because if that someone actually loves you back, he doesn’t do a million things that need to be excused. He does his damndest NOT to hurt you. My ex-husband was good that way. Obviously we parted and there were good reasons for that, but I never doubted that he would put me above everything else. Except when HE lied to me and blew up my life. Do we see a pattern forming here?

Right now I’m in the “I need to take care of myself stage.” I’m not interested in hunting for a replacement boyfriend. Oh yes, there are those time I feel the tears sting in my eyes because I don’t have someone to scratch my back or kiss me goodnight. But I’m not going to allow that to put me back in a farce of a relationship. I’m going to be strong this time. I’m not going to run around with puzzle picture of me as the doting wife and mother, and all that’s missing is the husband/father. That’s what I did for years. I tried to mold the men in my life to my expectation of what my life should look like, instead of really seeing them and who they were. I saw who I thought they COULD be. Because I so desperately wanted to be a mom. But not a single mom. I wanted a FAMILY. The whole kit and caboodle. So it was my job to find the guy who could give me that. Because the thought of me not being a mother terrified me.

Now that I’ve hit 37, I’ve started realizing that maybe I’ve gotten past the need to be a mother. Especially with my own mother gone now, it’s starting to feel less and less like that dream still fits the person I’ve become. So much of that dream was wrapped up in sharing my kids with my mom (I even planned to name my first daughter after her). Now she’s gone. And I’ve gotten more set in my ways. I like sleeping late and having my life revolve around me, and not around people I’m taking care of. So I’m starting to see a different picture of what my life could be.

My nephew is about to become a father, so I’ll have a baby around to fuss over. I have lots of friends with kids (although I’d like some of them to be more geographically desirable). I can get baby fixes that way. And maybe it’s OK that I don’t have to get up at 6am on Saturdays and sit out in the sun watching a soccer game. And maybe it’s OK that I don’t have to deal with schools that don’t teach my kids what I want them to learn (like grades actually matter, you have to work hard for what you get and not just have it handed to you because we don’t want you to feel bad, and that proper grammar and spelling DO count). Maybe it’s actually OK to live my life for me and not for someone else.

I know that parenthood has its joys, yada yada yada. Those are joys I was always expecting to experience. But now I’m coming to the conclusion that my life will probably look very different from my plan. Instead of being at a middle school graduation at age 50, I very well may just retire, sell my stuff and move to Tahiti. I won’t have to worry about leaving kids, or loaning money to my adult children, or worse – having them move home. I won’t have anyone I’ll have to answer to or consider. Just me. And while that sometimes sounds lonely, sometimes it sounds blissful.

This doesn’t mean that I’m going to shun men or reject love. But I am a lot more careful now. I’m not pursuing it in the hopes of meeting some timeline. If I meet someone who actually has the same interests as I do, that I actually have things in common with, then I could be persuaded to open my heart again. But it will have to happen naturally. As much of a control freak as I am, I can’t try to fit someone into a pretty picture in my head. If I meet someone whose puzzle pieces fit (so to speak), I won’t necessarily run away. But no more getting involved with men whose lives and opinions and interests are so different from mine that we have no middle ground on which to meet. My chasing days are over – my feet hurt too much.




Disclaimer: The above is subject to change according at any time in accordance with my mood and level of sexual frustration.

Feelin' Good

Yep, you read that one right. This is actually a happy post. Because I’ve officially taken control of my life and I’m loving it (as the McD commercials say).

I’ve made some decisions and some changes in my life. And one of the things I like most is that they’re NOT New Year’s Resolutions. That was 2 months ago. What to call these? March madness, perhaps?

1. I’m finally paying off my credit cards

Yes, I’ve spent too extravagantly in the past – if I saw it and wanted it, I bought it. This includes trips to London and New York, Bloomingdales (that heavenly mecca of 8 floored shopping goodness), concerts, cruises, pricey dinners….all the things that magically make that balance go up and the available credit go down. Way down.Well, that’s all changing.

The first thing I did was to nix the fast food, which is what I’ve pretty much lived on for years. (Bonus benefit: healthier eating). I’m now actually cooking at home with what is already in my kitchen. No more spending $100 at the grocery store to try out a new recipe. I’m getting creative with what I have. Which, surprisingly, has turned out OK.

I’ve budgeted myself to within an inch of my life. I am tracking every cent and have gotten incredibly miserly about spending anything. It’s a game for me now. Bonus points if I still have money left at the end of the month, because all the leftovers get put on next month’s credit card payment.

If I stick with my budget, I can have my credit cards paid off by year’s end. It helps that there’s no cruise this year. I’m just looking forward to the joy of seeing my statement along with “$0 balance.”

2. I’ve given deadlines

Therapy is a wonderful thing. Especially if you go by yourself once in a while. I ended up going to our couples counseling session by myself last week because The Boy was in Vegas for work. It’s taken a few days, but it’s been a real eye opener for me.

I’ve discovered that the basis of my unhappiness in our relationship comes from being in such limbo. You see, my goal (dream, whatever) has always been to be a mother. It sounds old fashioned, but I don’t care. My original life plan had me with 3 kids already. But we know how well life plans always go…

Anyway, we’ve always discussed marriage and kids. But the stipulation I’ve put on that is that The Boy HAS to have a staff job before any of that moves forward. I just CANNOT put myself in a situation where I’m worrying about if we’re paying the mortgage every month because of how little he’s worked or not knowing when he’ll get his next check.

Unfortunately, he has no control over whether he gets a staff job. He’s trying, but they’re hard to come by. The thing is, I don’t have control over that, either. And it’s been causing me to wait for years. And at some point, I have to stop waiting.

There are other stipulations as well, but I’ll not go into those out of respect for his privacy. Let’s just say that they’re completely fixable and within his control.

So…I’ve given a deadline. December 31, 2009. By that time The Boy needs to have a staff job and the other issues need to be addressed to the point where I will agree to marriage. If they haven’t, then I have to move on. It’s time for me to pursue MY OWN dream, and not just facilitate the dreams of loved ones.

It may sound harsh and like an ultimatum. But I really just see it as taking control of my own life. Surprisingly, The Boy sees it the same way. When we discussed this, there was no gnashing of teeth, tears or dramatics. He really heard me and he agreed. We’ve been having some amazingly productive conversations lately.

The result is that I finally feel at peace for the first time in years. Taking emotion out of the equation, I know that come January 1, 2010, my life will move forward. The only question at this point is in which direction. But I finally feel like I’m in control of my own destiny and I’m not waiting for outside forces to determine my fate. I’m looking at things in a different way now.

I’m back, baby!

This Is Where It Ends

No, I’m not talking about my relationship. I’m talking about Barenaked Ladies. I’m talking about the singer from whose song I stole the title of my blog. I’m talking about Mr. Steven Page.

See, Steve has left BNL. For the majority of the people (all 7 of you?) reading this blog, that statement means nothing. To me, it means everything. It’s Paul leaving the Beatles. It’s the Bulls without Michael Jordan. It’s nachos without all the gooey cheese.

Steve wasn’t the whole band. There are 4 other very fine, very talented, very cool individuals in the group who will carry the BNL banner. But Steve was a Voice. Not THE voice, as Ed did his fair share of vocals. But Steve was a unique part of the band’s sound. As much as I love Tyler, they could replace the drummer and the songs wouldn’t sound terribly different. Same with keyboards and bass. But when a vocalist leaves, the entire sound changes. Not only the songs Steve sang lead on, but also the harmony he provided on Ed’s. Even Paul McCartney commented that he and John Lennon couldn’t match the harmonies of Ed and Steve.

This is a band that I’ve built vacations around, have traveled to see, and represent a part of my life that while filled with turmoil, was also filled with hope. I found them at a time when I was going through a divorce, living on my own for the first time, and wondering what the hell I was going to do. They made me smile when I thought I couldn’t. Somehow, through their music and their onstage cohesiveness, they made me feel part of a family. I wasn’t worshipping rock stars from afar. I was a part of a welcoming community, just when I needed it most.

Of course there has been talk on the message boards about the whole situation and speculation as to when talk of the separation started. Of course, it’s logical that it started way before the cruise, and someone likened it to waiting until after Christmas to tell the kids you’re getting divorced. Which struck me, because that’s exactly what happened to me when my parents divorced. They told me the day after Christmas so they wouldn’t “ruin” it. And now the band told me a couple weeks after the cruise. I’m happy they waited. While knowing would have made everything more poignant, it also would have made everything much, much sadder. When we got back, a bunch of us threw out theories about what we thought was “off” with the band and why. We just didn’t expect to get confirmation so quickly. Yeah, Mom and Dad were fighting, but we hoped not to get that day after Christmas talk.

I wish Steve the best, I really do. I hope he gets everything he wants. And I hope Ed, Tyler, Jim and Kevin get what they want. But the thought of a new lead singer hurts right now. I’m not ready to see “Mom” with a new boyfriend.

Relationship Update

OK, I know the last time I wrote about my relationship (over a month ago), it sounded pretty grim. It was right after a rough time and I was feeling pretty hopeless. But that’s why we’re in counseling. It’s ups and downs and roundabouts. And counseling is supposed to help us smooth out all the twists and turns into even road. And that’s happening. Slowly.

I love The Boy. I know that doesn’t always come across, but I do. That’s why I hang in. That’s why I agreed to do counseling. As frustrated as I may get, I don’t want him to be out of my life. So I’m learning how to have him in my life without the anger and the fights and the drama.

It’s not a linear path. We go to the counselor, she gives what I think are good suggestions, and I find myself trying to implement them without consciously thinking about it. However, it’s hard to break a pattern. Sometimes I find myself reacting differently (more constructively) to The Boy, and he reacts as if I were perpetuating the old pattern. So the reinforcement I get is that he doesn’t want the dynamic to change. Then I explain to him that I’m trying to break old habits, and he eventually “gets” it. And then it’ll happen again about something else and I wonder why he isn’t trying to change the dynamic as much as I am. Then I get frustrated and sad, and I blog. Then we talk about counseling and implementing change. So, while we’re not in exactly the same pattern we’ve been in for 4 years, we’re not exactly the ideal couple, either.

There have been positive changes. I feel like we can now talk to each other without being on the defensive all the time. We try to see our actions through our counselor’s eyes, and to anticipate what she’d say about the situation. It’s helping. But it’s a process, as they say.

Our cruise was wonderful. We only had one “discussion”, and I’m happy to say it wasn’t a fight and it didn’t last for days, as has been known to happen. We resolved it fairly quickly, and went on to have a lovely time together.

I know The Boy loves me and wants this to work. And I’m happy to say we’re starting to have more good times than bad, which is a major change. There are still things we’re dealing with that are out of our control (his work situation), but we’re making progress.

Slow and steady wins the race (or at least avoids the breakup, hopefully).

Giving Up the Dream

Sometimes I get so utterly frustrated in my romantic relationships (especially my current one) that the tangled mess of my psyche makes me wonder if I even know my own name anymore. I start out being so clear in my position, about how I feel - then I analyze and bend so far over backward trying to see the other person's side that I start doubting what I knew to be true in the beginning.

I know I can be easily emotionally manipulated. It's happened far too many times in the past. To guard against this, I believe the worst of my partner first until he proves otherwise. And I put up one hell of a fight. You'd be surprised how easily the highly trained ear can pick out insincerity. Ah, but is it REALLY manipulation, or am I imagining it? This one thought goes around and around in my head until I can't believe anything or anyone anymore - not even myself.

I want to be a good person. But how can I be when there are so many bad people out there trying to get me? Trust is a luxury I don't have. Guilty until proven innocent - and don't think THAT won't take a lot of time and trouble.

I am seriously starting to think that maybe I'm meant to be alone. That I just can't make myself mesh that closely with another person. Yeah, I know I have all these dreams about being a wife and a mother. But what if I picked the wrong dreams for the person I truly am? I mean, a short person may want to play pro basketball more than anything in the world, and practice all the time to attain that goal - but chances are it's not going to happen. He just inherently is a bad fit for his chosen dream. A happy family is a lovely dream, but what if I'm not cut out for it?

Should I just throw in the towel and accept that I should spend my life alone? Wait for my nephews to have kids and just dote on them instead of my own? What if my dreams don't match my capabilities? How do you just give up on something you thought you wanted your whole life?

Hitting a Wall

My tolerance for relationship BS has grown dangerously thin. When in disharmony with The Boy, I find myself picking at the minutiae of the issue to try to get my point across. He complains about the time spent discussing the issue, and I complain because he doesn't seem to "get it" unless I take it apart at the molecular structure and lead him through it by the nose, step by step, confirming his understanding at each interval.

Example:

Me: X means X. I meant X. That's why I said X.
Him: Well, if you really meant X, then you should have been clearer.
Me: How can I be clearer than saying X and meaning X?
Him: Well, when you said X, I thought you meant X plus Y.
Me: Did I say X plus Y?
Him: No
Me: Then it's your fault for inferring Y! I didn't say Y!
Him: But if it were me, I would say X plus Y, not just X. You need to be clearer.
Me: What you would say has nothing to do with what I DID say! You make this up in your head and then punish me for not doing/saying what you think I should do/say instead of listening and understanding what I DID do/say! I was clear! I said X. I meant X. It's not my fault you brought Y into it from your own head!

And on it goes. So I have to break down in steps what X means, even though X clearly means X. I said X. I meant X. X is a series of clearly defined English words that are not ambiguous.

I find it ironic that in past arguments he has gotten upset that I can't just let what he said mean what he said and understand there's no hidden meaning. So why can't he see that's what he's doing to me??

I'm tired. I'm tired of the hours of conversational breakdown and analysis it takes for us to get past an argument. I'm tired of the resentment I feel much of the time because it seems harder and harder for us to have a simple conversation. And I wonder more and more if that means we're ultimately not compatible. But I can't even bring that up because mentioning breaking up or not being right for each other is a cardinal sin. According to him, it's manipulation to get my own way - bring up breaking up, and I automatically win the argument because he doesn't want to lose me. So, I can't be honest because it's manipulative. There goes that Y inference again. It can't possibly be because I have real doubts - it's because I want to manipulate him into acquiescence.

Again I say, I'm tired. But I can't say that to him, either.