Quandary

I am so over writing about the ex, but I have a situation right now that I'm trying to sort out in my head.

The ex owes me money. A LOT of it. Thousands of dollars. Because he likes to live a lifestyle that he can't afford. $2,300 a month apartment, because what he can afford isn't good enough for him. His precious car (how I hate that car, which he treats better than any human on the planet, including his mother). Comic-Con every year, with a ton of money spent on the hotel. Movies all the time, at $12-$14 a pop plus parking and snacks, because he can't possibly go anywhere except the reserved seat movie theatre. DVDs purchased ON THE RELEASE DATE ONLY, because somehow they're not the same movie if you wait and buy them when you can afford them. Gadgets for the apartment, so he can make the spare bedroom look like a movie theatre. On and on. He's all about the appearance of "Hollywood success" to his friends back east, especially on his blog. Except, how can you consider yourself successful if you can't pay your bills every month? If you have outstanding financial issues? (Which I won't detail here at this time).

The story is, there's no money for me because there’s no work. Well, if there's no work, how can you say you're successful? And this is not new. This has been the song and dance for years, which is why I bailed him out on his cell phone bills - $500 a month! Who has a $500 cell phone bill? I'll tell you - someone who's talking to multiple girlfriends several times a day to keep them on the hook. And this dates WAAYY back before the current "other woman" I found out about in October. Oh, and the rental cars I paid for. Because he moved here and had a rental car for THREE YEARS. You heard me. Why would you just not buy a clunker for $2,000 until you could afford your blessed dream car? Because you're an idiot, that's why. And you have an idiot for a girlfriend who will help you when you're "just waiting to get a check." Oh, and so you wouldn't have any cost when you moved out of your hotel (yes, he stayed at a hotel for a LONG time, even though he tried to convince me he had an apartment, which I was somehow never privileged enough to see, even after months of dating) and went back east to your "other apartment" to save money out here when work dried up.

Yes, he had another apartment. Which he swore belonged to friends of his, as an "extra" apartment for them to expand into once they had kids. Except it's not like they could have knocked down a wall and expanded their current apartment - it wasn't set up like that. And everyone can afford to have a spare apartment “just in case of kids.” Oh, and it was completely furnished with his stuff (down to art on the walls). Oh, and I never met these "friends" even though I stayed in that apartment twice. They were always "away" because it was the holidays. Except, they were never mentioned by the ex except when he was going "home." He mentioned his other friends liberally. Oh, and that's where he still had his mail delivered, even when he "lived" out here. Yeah, that sounds like you're just staying at a friend's place. For weeks, sometimes MONTHS at a time. Awfully convenient. Wonder how many girlfriends he had out there? Because it would have been easy. He had an entirely separate cell phone with a back east number. For his friends to call, so it wouldn’t cost them, as well as his mom. Except everyone has cell phones that include long distance. And he eventually got his mom a cell phone as well, but he never cancelled that back east line. Carried that separate cell phone with him in his bag everywhere he went. Hmm…wonder why he needed to do that.

I'm an idiot, I know. I let him lie to me. Even when I was suspicious. To the point where I actually looked him in the eye and told him, "I'm CHOOSING to trust you, because stuff doesn't add up." Bad choice, I know. Should have listened to my gut and broken up with him within 3 months when he wouldn't let me into his "apartment." But he knew what to say to me to keep me hanging on. I let the pretty words and promises outweigh the actions and suspicions. I didn't want to be the "suspicious girlfriend" and he knew it. He preyed on that. He was fantastic at turning my questioning around on me and making me feel inadequate, that I was too demanding, that nobody else he knew would react the way I did, that I wasn't giving him what he needed when he was so generous with me, that I just expected too much of him. I couldn't look at it from the outside. Now I can.

He will always play the victim, because it gets him what he wants. But he's not the victim - he's the player. And he's really good at it. He has a way of keeping a woman hanging on in the face of proven lies, because he just puts on the "poor me" act - his childhood was messed up, he had no friends growing up, he just doesn't know how to be in a relationship, he'll get help, he'll be better, he can't imagine living without you, YOU are the one who has shown him how messed up he is, and he’ll show YOU he can be better... And it works, apparently. He can be oh, so sincere. But it doesn't work on me, not anymore.

Anyway, my quandary is this – how do I proceed? He’s not giving me the agreed upon (in writing) amount he owes me because he’s “waiting for his check,” as he has had to do so many times in the past. So, what do I do about it?

Please don’t suggest anything illegal. I would NEVER do anything that would get me into trouble. He is SO not worth that. And I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction. Revenge fantasies are great when they stay in your head. But my life and self-respect are worth way more than anything I could do to him that would get me into trouble.

What would YOU do? Just hang out and wait for the money to come? How long would you wait? What would you do when you stopped waiting? I would love some input here. Because obviously I don’t believe the excuses, even if they’re true. He’s the boy who cried wolf. And I’m not going after anything that’s not rightfully mine. I have his agreement in writing to the terms of the financial arrangement as well as the amount he owes. He’s now broken that agreement.

Court isn’t my best option, for reasons I won’t go into at this time. I’m not saying it’s not an option at all – just that I’m sure someone can come up with something more effective. Someone who’s not so close to this situation.

Putting this into writing shows exactly what a gullible idiot I was with him. I’m ashamed of the part I played in this. Because what I got out of being with him didn’t come close to what it cost me (and not just in money). I know I didn’t make him cheat, I didn’t make him lie. But I made it easy for him, even when outsiders were trying to show me how effed up everything was. People who could judge the situation according to what he was DOING, not the sweet words and justifications he was giving me.

I was weak, I admit it. I thought I loved him. I wanted someone to love me back, and he said he did – even though he didn’t show it. Hell, I thought I wanted to marry him and have kids with him. Even though he said that’s what he wanted as well, he would never have let that happen. He told me what I wanted to hear, did enough nice things for me to keep me hooked (but not more than that), and I accepted it for years. I’m fortunate to escape that situation, I know. I’m not blind anymore. But wow, does it do a number on you to be played that well for that long!

Anyway…I’m looking forward to your input. Feel free to e-mail if you don’t feel comfortable posting it as a comment. I’ll update as breaking news occurs.

Relationship Manifesto

So, I’ve been giving some thought to what I want in the next boyfriend (I didn’t have the luxury of “falling” into a relationship with a co-worker while still in my committed, 4.5 year relationship like some people I know). I realize that the person I need to be with, who will make me most happy, is the complete opposite of the person I was with through most of my 30’s. So, this is what I need in the next one:

1. Drink alcohol

I know this may sound bizarre, but with the exception of my very first boyfriend in high school, all of the men in my life have been non-drinkers. Not just non-drinkers in the sense that they don’t drink much, but complete, that-stuff-will-never-touch-my-lips people. Why is this important? Well, here’s the thing: If you don’t drink for religious reasons, that already makes us incompatible. If you don’t drink because you think it’s wrong, then we’re starting out with me enjoying something you don’t approve of. I don’t need or want to be judged. Plus, it’s something we can’t share. I like going to a pub on a Friday after a long week and having a couple of drinks. I spent 4.5 years not being able to share that with the person who was supposed to be the most important one in my life. Sure, we don’t have to like all of the same things. But I have found over numerous relationships that the people I am attracted to who don’t drink have a harder time just letting loose in general, and I’m over drama. Please, give me somebody who can relax with a beer.

2. Be financially stable

Listen, your last name doesn’t have to be Rockefeller. And I am very well aware of the current economic climate, (heck, I’m even the victim of furloughs). But be able to pay your bills. On time. Without reminding. And don’t be stupid about your money and do things like repeatedly run up a $500 cell phone bill month after month because you’re too dumb to change your plan. And don’t ever play the game of telling me about your financial woes so I can volunteer to come to your rescue so you can hold up the “I didn’t ask you for money” card. Being able to successfully take care of your finances is basic to having a successful, grown-up life. No more Peter Pans who won’t pay their electric bill, but will happily spend money on Imogene Heap tickets and tell you he’s broke so he can’t repay you what he owes you. Over and over again.

3. Don’t be a liar

This seems so very basic, but so very difficult for people to actually DO. It’s not difficult. TELL THE TRUTH. EVERY TIME. Not just “when it won’t get you in trouble.” If you’re doing something that you have to lie about, then you know you shouldn’t be doing it, and I have a right to know. And don’t try to cover your lie with stupid excuses about repeated bank snafus, or preposterous credit card issues, or that you were talking about my birthday, or (my favorite) that I didn’t see what I saw. Most important, don’t make me feel like a lunatic, paranoid girlfriend when I call you something suspicious AND I’M RIGHT! This was a favorite trick – to turn it around on me that I wasn’t being understanding enough when I caught him in stories that didn’t add up, so that next time, I’d give him even more leeway to give me an even more outrageous story. Just tell me the truth. If you’re with someone you have to lie to, then obviously you shouldn’t be with them, and just end it already. Why go through charades? Looking back, there were so many lies in my last relationship, well before the “other girlfriend” (well, the other girlfriend that I know about). I’d question things I saw in a blog, or a comment that didn’t match up with other things, movies that I didn’t know he’d seen but was now referencing, or seeing two different freakin’ birth years for him, and I’d be handed some convoluted story about these terribly special situations. That of course were total lies. About stuff that didn’t even need to be lied about! I find that I really never knew my ex, because he lied as easily as he breathed. And I made it easy for him, because I WANTED to believe him. I didn’t want to be that suspicious girlfriend stereotype. But I was right to be suspicious. It was funny that these incredibly special situations continually happened to only this one person in my life – repeatedly! Wow, he just had the worst luck of anyone on the planet.

The next one has to give me reasons NOT to be suspicious. Total transparency (which the ex told me he was giving me when we were in couples counseling – ha!). I need to not have a reason to question that he’s where he says he is, or that what he’s telling me is anything but the truth. He needs to WANT to prove himself to me because he values me so much, and not get defensive at every question I ask. What I observe on my own needs to MATCH what he’s telling me. I’ve already gone the route of believing his stories over my own observations, and I won’t be doing that again.

4. Like my music

Again, something that seems so small, but for me translates into something greater. You don’t need to know the names of all the band members in Gaelic Storm. But you DO need to be willing to give it an honest try, and to go with me to the concerts I like because you want to spend time with me, and maybe find something new you’ll like. I’ve gone to so many concerts (and movies and other events) by myself because he “didn’t like” whatever it was. Well, sometimes it’s not about what YOU like. It’s about supporting the person you love and doing things with that person. And being open minded enough to try new things. I don’t recall turning down much of what he asked me to do, except a movie here and there, and he always found someone else to go with (most likely the other girlfriend, rather than the guy pal he told me he was with – points for partial honesty? I think not.). Plus, music is SO important to me. The next boy needs to realize that and WANT to support me and be with me when I do things I enjoy, just because I enjoy them, and not make it about him.

5. My friends and family need to like you

Now that I’ve been broken up with the ex for 6 months (and especially with the new cheating information), I have gotten so much feedback that they never really liked him. And looking back, I realize they never praised him to me at all. They never said what a great guy he was or that they liked the way he treated me (because he was selfish and didn’t treat me well – only when it suited his purpose of receiving admiration). Wow, that’s a red flag I should have seen! If friends and family aren’t excited about your relationship, why should you be? They can objectively see how you’re being treated without being in the middle of the manipulation. Of course, nobody said anything to me because the prevailing belief is that someone in love will not listen to outsiders about a relationship. I’ve asked them to be honest with me from now on. If I’m stupid, please call me on it.

So, I need someone that my people like. Because if they like you, chances are there’s a reason for it. You’re a good guy and good to me. But if they don’t like you, they must have a reason, and they don’t have a vested interest in rationalizing it away.

6. My cat needs to like you

Alex never liked the ex from the start. I’ve come to the conclusion that he’s the only one (and certainly the only male) in my life who’s been giving me the hard truth. So, the next boy needs to pass the cat test. If he doesn’t like you, then you’re probably not the one for me. Because, given recent experiences, I’d rather have Alex on my bed than most boys. You need to be the exception to that. If Alex will be in the same room with you and let you pet him, you must be OK.

7. I need to be proud of you

I didn’t realize how many excuses I was making for the ex until I was out of the relationship. His career, which was his only source of self-esteem, was so up and down that I couldn’t really point to that as a point of pride. I certainly couldn’t point to the way he treated me with pride – someone who broke dates and was hours late and super sensitive at any hint of questioning. So, the next guy needs to be the type of person I can be proud of. You don’t need to be a top surgeon or male equivalent of Mother Theresa, but you DO have to have integrity. And self-esteem. And be a person who cares for others. Your focus should be on the wider world, and not just on yourself and what you want.

8. Respect me and my time

Being chronically late is just disrespectful. Sometimes it’s unavoidable, but most of the time it’s poor planning. Care enough about me and my time to plan so you’re on time for me. I do that for you. If you know it takes 25 minutes to get to my house in the middle of the night, don’t leave 5 minutes before you’re supposed to be here during rush hour. Don’t call me when you’re already late and tell me you haven’t left because of “the damn clock.” Yeah, the clock is what made you late, not your lack of planning or consideration.


I want someone who thinks of me when he hears “She Was the Prize” or “She’s Everything” or “Then.” I want someone who realizes what a gem he has in me, and will do nothing to jeopardize it. I deserve someone who puts me first, respects me (and my time), would never put me in a precarious position, and WANTS to be with me, wants to spend as much time with me as possible. I deserve more than fighting for scraps of time after work and “me time” and other girlfriend time.

I KNOW there are good men out there. I know them. But they’re all taken. I just need to find one who, like me, is between failed relationships. Then we can be in a successful relationship together.

So, if you know anybody like that, I’m open to suggestions.

He Cheated

Are we really surprised? For the last 9 months of our relationship. And she knew he had a girlfriend. So, we have two cheaters together who will never have a moment's peace, because they'll always be wondering when the other person will do TO them what was done WITH them.

I was hurt, then sad, then angry. Now, I'm over it. All in the span of less than 24 hours. How did I do that? I'm sure being broken up for 6 months already when I found out helped. But what really helps is the fact that, as Kellie Pickler puts it, "he's already had the best days of his life." With me. But I have not yet had the best days of mine.

I don't hate him, I don't pity him, I don't ANYTHING him. He has to live with what he did. All of that is on him. Kinda sad, really. I have amazing friends, great family, a good job and lots of prospects. He has maybe 1 friend who knows the real story, and he has to pretend to everyone else. I can hold my head up high and look people in the eye. I'm not ashamed for people to know who I am and what I've done.

Gaelic Storm says, "She was the prize." And I was. He lost that prize. Lucky for the next guy.

15 Years and 3 Tries (AKA: Walt Disney World Hates Me)

For 15 years I’ve been trying to get to Disney World. Disneyland I’ve done. Probably hundreds of times by now. Mostly because it’s practically in my backyard. WDW, however, has been a pipe dream. That elusive temptress that beckons to me from across vast expanses of the U.S. “Come visit us. We’re so big here. There’s so much to do. Don’t you want to come see us?”

Alas, it’s not to be. I’m now at “3 strikes and you’re out” and I don’t even like baseball. My saga has been long and ridiculous, and I’m at the point where I’m just giving up. It’s too much hope. Too many expectations. And this is coming from someone who for several years bought 2-3 WDW tour guide books a year and read every page cover to cover, studiously making notes about where I would go and what I would see when I finally got to “the World.”

Let me take you through the events that got me here:

Attempt #1
My honeymoon. 1993. My ex and I loved all things Disney, so we thought the perfect honeymoon would be to take “The Big Red Boat” (Disney’s cruise line before its current incarnation) and then spend a week at the parks afterward. Sounds perfect, right? Except that we were poor and paying for everything ourselves. We had one credit card that was maxed out. So my dear mother offered to put the trip on hers and let us pay her back over time. We all went to the travel agent (yes, they had those before the internet), plunked down Mom’s card and were confirmed. We thought.

About a month before the wedding, I got a call from the travel agent that the ship’s itinerary was changing. Instead of leaving Florida 2 days after our wedding, it was leaving the day before. Obviously, this wasn’t going to work. In the early days of the cruise line, they weren’t running cruises back to back. The next one wouldn’t be for another month after the wedding. Well, that didn’t seem like much of a honeymoon. So we canceled, lost a deposit and figured we’d go another time. Ended up in San Diego for the honeymoon instead.

Attempt #2
The ex’s graduation. 8 years later. The ex was finally graduating with his masters in architecture. We were moving to San Diego. I had given notice at my job. I had put a deposit on a rental house in San Diego and given notice on the house we were living in at the time. The ex had quit his job. We had paid for the trip and were going to leave 2 days after his graduation ceremony. No cruise this time, but 10 days at WDW. At the Grand Floridian. The trip I had dreamed of and planned for so many years. Plane tickets were bought, spending money was set aside, everything about the trip was fully paid. We were even going to go to Discovery Cove so I could swim with the dolphins. Then the bottom dropped out.

About a week before the graduation, I got a call at work from the ex. Turns out, he wasn’t graduating. Turns out he’d been admitted to the masters program on probation on the condition that he raise his gpa. He didn’t do that. In fact, his thesis was far from being up to par and they were not only not letting him graduate, but they were kicking him out of the university. He couldn’t take another year and make it up. He couldn’t go into another program. He was no longer welcome at this university that we had taken hefty loans out for. And I had no idea about any of this until a week before my entire life was supposed to change.

Needless to say, this was not news that was received well. In fact, it was the catalyst to the divorce. The ex left to go to San Diego on his own, I stayed and got my job back, and after a while we divorced. Making those calls to cancel that trip and pull everything back (the trip and all the moving related arrangements) just about killed me. My mom was kind enough to make the calls about canceling the graduation party arrangements and contacting the out of town guests that they would not need to make the trip (I felt awful about all the travel arrangements that had already been made). So, WDW attempt #2 was down the drain.

Attempt #3
My graduation. 2008. The Boy lovingly offered to take me to WDW this year if I could stay within a budget. It was going to be a kind of graduation present. So, back to the bookstore I went. I gathered information online, I pored over guide books and blogs. I found the perfect time to go, the perfect package and the perfect price. I had received WDW gift cards for graduation and my birthday, so I used that to put down the deposit with the agreement that The Boy would get me a gift card to make up for it, so he was paying for the whole trip.

Very long story very short, The Boy’s card does not want me to go to WDW. When it was time to pay the balance, he used the credit card. But I started getting worried. So I had him call Disney to confirm. Twice. Everything was fine. Until it wasn’t.

Turns out that even though the credit card issued a confirmation number for the WDW transaction and showed that the money had come off the card, WDW showed that they never received funds. Many calls later, turns out WDW didn’t get the funds, but the credit card has already pulled the money from The Boy’s account, and it’s in the ozone somewhere. So, while a trace is being done, the funds are not available for use by The Boy. Of course, in the middle of all this is the deadline for payment to WDW or the trip cancels. The Boy can’t use the credit card, because the available credit has already been pulled for the phantom payment that nobody can find. Having no other way to pay for it, we had to cancel our trip. We still haven’t found the money (the credit card company is still “tracing” it, and who knows how long that will take). So, no WDW.

I am now convinced that there is some Dharma-like force that is forever keeping me from my WDW dream. Trip has been booked 3 times. Trip has been paid for 3 times. Trip has been canceled 3 times. I’m convinced that if we had been planning to go anywhere else instead, everything would have been fine.

I just can’t take it anymore. I’m at the point where I’m going to accept that I’m persona non grata at WDW and stick with Disneyland. I’ve never had a problem going there. I’ll just stay where I belong.

Oh, and hopefully we’ll eventually find the missing credit card money. Probably just in time for retirement.