This and Tat

So, the subject of tattoos has been coming up in my life recently. Friends are getting them, or thinking about getting them, and trying to convince me to join in:

"The guy who did mine is really cute and single." (Because I want to get a lifelong brand on the outside chance that a guy will flirt with me for an hour and then promptly forget I exist?)

"You'll have it for the rest of your life." (Um, NOT a selling point with me - I can't think of anything I loved 20 years ago that I still love now, including people).

"If I have to, you have to." (Said to me by a friend who has to get "love dots" tattooed as part of her radiation treatments. And yes, she'll be fine.)

There are some tattoos that I can really get behind and understand why people get them. I've been with friends who have gotten them, while they're getting them, and I understand and respect their reasons. I just can't do it. I'm not afraid - I could take the pain. But I guess I feel like I'm in this constant state of change, and to get a tattoo locks me into one point in time. I think that's what scares me the most.

If I ever did get a tattoo, which I won't, it would be a song lyric. Which one? By whom? Not sure. I know that the go to answer should be Barenaked Ladies, but I'm not so sure. And the fact that I can't decide one off the top of my head reinforces the fact that nothing is important enough for me to keep on my body forever.

Now that I've written this, I'll end up with one inside of a week. Watch. Like I said, my life is in a constant state of change.

It's Been a While...

"You haven't updated your blog in a while."
"I know, just haven't felt the inspiration."
"And that matters, why?"

Apparently, the lack of drama in my life is impairing my roommate's entertainment, as evidenced by this conversation.

Truth is, there's just not a lot going on. Scratch that - not a lot of drama going on. There have been many drama free events:

1. My great-nephew was born on December 1.
2. I lost 15 pounds.
3. Went to Seattle to comfort a friend whose father was sick.
4. Got through Valentine's Day without killing anyone.
5. Figured out I'm just fine without a boyfriend as long as I have access to sex (if that's TMI, you obviously don't know me).
6. Got to go to New York as a result of my roommate's trip to a conference.

In short, things are good. So, sorry to disappoint. The emotional rantings are over (well, until something sets me off again). But I'll work on the steady stream of witticisms and quips to keep you entertained.

Unless, of course, I start dating again. Then all bets are off. And I know that's secretly what you're waiting for.

Message on a Bottle

So, with all of the money turmoil, I've kind of been looking for some kind of sign. Something that would tell me that what I'm going through isn't for nothing.

And then I saw it. On a bottle. In Whole Foods.

One word - Believe. On a bottle of water. There were other words on other bottles - Love. Compassion. Peace. Was the universe now speaking to me through grocery products?

I couldn't resist. I took the Believe bottle off the shelf. State of Mind Water. I had never heard of it. So, I bought it. I mean, I drink water anyway...this couldn't hurt.

So I took that bottle to work and sat it on my desk. It became my work water bottle. And strangely enough, the more I looked at that one word - Believe - the more I started to actually do it. To believe that I would be OK. To believe that the money situation would work itself out. To believe that not only did I deserve more than I've gotten in the past 4.5 years, but that I would get it. Looking at that one word consistently started making a difference.

The company is all about positivity, believing in yourself, doing good for others. I like that. You can't say that about many capitalistic ventures anymore. But they seem like they're kind of in the same vein as Kashi or Reverb (and hey - I got a signed BNL guitar from Reverb, so they're pretty cool in my book).

So...next time you're thirsty, think about that message on a bottle. Couldn't hurt to give it a try. And if you get more than hydration out of it, all the better.

Oh, and the water tasted pretty good, too.

Quandary

I am so over writing about the ex, but I have a situation right now that I'm trying to sort out in my head.

The ex owes me money. A LOT of it. Thousands of dollars. Because he likes to live a lifestyle that he can't afford. $2,300 a month apartment, because what he can afford isn't good enough for him. His precious car (how I hate that car, which he treats better than any human on the planet, including his mother). Comic-Con every year, with a ton of money spent on the hotel. Movies all the time, at $12-$14 a pop plus parking and snacks, because he can't possibly go anywhere except the reserved seat movie theatre. DVDs purchased ON THE RELEASE DATE ONLY, because somehow they're not the same movie if you wait and buy them when you can afford them. Gadgets for the apartment, so he can make the spare bedroom look like a movie theatre. On and on. He's all about the appearance of "Hollywood success" to his friends back east, especially on his blog. Except, how can you consider yourself successful if you can't pay your bills every month? If you have outstanding financial issues? (Which I won't detail here at this time).

The story is, there's no money for me because there’s no work. Well, if there's no work, how can you say you're successful? And this is not new. This has been the song and dance for years, which is why I bailed him out on his cell phone bills - $500 a month! Who has a $500 cell phone bill? I'll tell you - someone who's talking to multiple girlfriends several times a day to keep them on the hook. And this dates WAAYY back before the current "other woman" I found out about in October. Oh, and the rental cars I paid for. Because he moved here and had a rental car for THREE YEARS. You heard me. Why would you just not buy a clunker for $2,000 until you could afford your blessed dream car? Because you're an idiot, that's why. And you have an idiot for a girlfriend who will help you when you're "just waiting to get a check." Oh, and so you wouldn't have any cost when you moved out of your hotel (yes, he stayed at a hotel for a LONG time, even though he tried to convince me he had an apartment, which I was somehow never privileged enough to see, even after months of dating) and went back east to your "other apartment" to save money out here when work dried up.

Yes, he had another apartment. Which he swore belonged to friends of his, as an "extra" apartment for them to expand into once they had kids. Except it's not like they could have knocked down a wall and expanded their current apartment - it wasn't set up like that. And everyone can afford to have a spare apartment “just in case of kids.” Oh, and it was completely furnished with his stuff (down to art on the walls). Oh, and I never met these "friends" even though I stayed in that apartment twice. They were always "away" because it was the holidays. Except, they were never mentioned by the ex except when he was going "home." He mentioned his other friends liberally. Oh, and that's where he still had his mail delivered, even when he "lived" out here. Yeah, that sounds like you're just staying at a friend's place. For weeks, sometimes MONTHS at a time. Awfully convenient. Wonder how many girlfriends he had out there? Because it would have been easy. He had an entirely separate cell phone with a back east number. For his friends to call, so it wouldn’t cost them, as well as his mom. Except everyone has cell phones that include long distance. And he eventually got his mom a cell phone as well, but he never cancelled that back east line. Carried that separate cell phone with him in his bag everywhere he went. Hmm…wonder why he needed to do that.

I'm an idiot, I know. I let him lie to me. Even when I was suspicious. To the point where I actually looked him in the eye and told him, "I'm CHOOSING to trust you, because stuff doesn't add up." Bad choice, I know. Should have listened to my gut and broken up with him within 3 months when he wouldn't let me into his "apartment." But he knew what to say to me to keep me hanging on. I let the pretty words and promises outweigh the actions and suspicions. I didn't want to be the "suspicious girlfriend" and he knew it. He preyed on that. He was fantastic at turning my questioning around on me and making me feel inadequate, that I was too demanding, that nobody else he knew would react the way I did, that I wasn't giving him what he needed when he was so generous with me, that I just expected too much of him. I couldn't look at it from the outside. Now I can.

He will always play the victim, because it gets him what he wants. But he's not the victim - he's the player. And he's really good at it. He has a way of keeping a woman hanging on in the face of proven lies, because he just puts on the "poor me" act - his childhood was messed up, he had no friends growing up, he just doesn't know how to be in a relationship, he'll get help, he'll be better, he can't imagine living without you, YOU are the one who has shown him how messed up he is, and he’ll show YOU he can be better... And it works, apparently. He can be oh, so sincere. But it doesn't work on me, not anymore.

Anyway, my quandary is this – how do I proceed? He’s not giving me the agreed upon (in writing) amount he owes me because he’s “waiting for his check,” as he has had to do so many times in the past. So, what do I do about it?

Please don’t suggest anything illegal. I would NEVER do anything that would get me into trouble. He is SO not worth that. And I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction. Revenge fantasies are great when they stay in your head. But my life and self-respect are worth way more than anything I could do to him that would get me into trouble.

What would YOU do? Just hang out and wait for the money to come? How long would you wait? What would you do when you stopped waiting? I would love some input here. Because obviously I don’t believe the excuses, even if they’re true. He’s the boy who cried wolf. And I’m not going after anything that’s not rightfully mine. I have his agreement in writing to the terms of the financial arrangement as well as the amount he owes. He’s now broken that agreement.

Court isn’t my best option, for reasons I won’t go into at this time. I’m not saying it’s not an option at all – just that I’m sure someone can come up with something more effective. Someone who’s not so close to this situation.

Putting this into writing shows exactly what a gullible idiot I was with him. I’m ashamed of the part I played in this. Because what I got out of being with him didn’t come close to what it cost me (and not just in money). I know I didn’t make him cheat, I didn’t make him lie. But I made it easy for him, even when outsiders were trying to show me how effed up everything was. People who could judge the situation according to what he was DOING, not the sweet words and justifications he was giving me.

I was weak, I admit it. I thought I loved him. I wanted someone to love me back, and he said he did – even though he didn’t show it. Hell, I thought I wanted to marry him and have kids with him. Even though he said that’s what he wanted as well, he would never have let that happen. He told me what I wanted to hear, did enough nice things for me to keep me hooked (but not more than that), and I accepted it for years. I’m fortunate to escape that situation, I know. I’m not blind anymore. But wow, does it do a number on you to be played that well for that long!

Anyway…I’m looking forward to your input. Feel free to e-mail if you don’t feel comfortable posting it as a comment. I’ll update as breaking news occurs.

Welcome to the Future

Lately, I’ve been feeling restless. Like I want to make a change. A big change. Something that’s just for me, that doesn’t involve anyone else.

Specifically, I’ve been thinking about getting my Masters. I have a Bachelors in Linguistics, but I’ve been thinking about going back and getting a degree in Speech-Language Pathology. What’s that, you ask? What is a speech-language pathologist? Basically, it’s the person who helps people with speech and hearing impediments learn to speak clearly, and also can work with people who have trouble processing language in the brain.

Sounds great, right? Well, there are pros and cons to it (as with most everything in life).

Pros

I could make more money

Right now, I’m kind of topped out in the executive assistant world. I could make a bit more money working for a private company, but I have nightmare visions of being the 60 year old gatekeeper to some upper management phony. That’s really not where I envisioned my life going when I was young and dreaming about the future.

An SLP makes around $61,000 a year, which is considerably more than I make right now, or could ever hope to make as an assistant. Granted, the reason is because more schooling and specialized knowledge is required.

I could work with kids

My specific interest in doing SLP is to work with kids who have speech impediments and/or aphasia. I’ve always leaned towards working with kids, but I learned early on that teaching wasn’t for me because I wasn’t comfortable with the discipline aspect. But doing SLP, I could really make a difference with kids, without being in a classroom setting.

Having grown up not being able to hear out of my right ear, I know what it’s like to have to work on hearing and speech. I really feel like that experience uniquely qualifies me for this type of work. I could be the nice person who helps them be able to speak, which in turn will make them feel better about themselves.

I love school

It sounds bizarre, but I do. I love learning new things. Yes, I’m competitive and driven. I made damn sure I graduated magna cum laude when I did my undergrad. But more than that, I love the academic setting. That’s part of the reason I love working at a university. Ideas excite me, and constantly challenging myself makes me happy. I thrive in situations where I know exactly what’s expected of me, and can excel.

This is something I can do for me

Going back to school is just for me. It’s not about finding a relationship or making anyone else happy. The focus is on me and what I want, and that’s what I need to concentrate on right now. My focus is not on things outside of me, like finding a boyfriend. It used to be. And it got me in trouble. Now, I’m only concerned with what I can DO to make myself happy – not waiting for someone else to do it for me.

Cons

It will take at least 4 years

Having not gotten my undergrad in SLP, I have to go back and take core classes before I’m technically even in the grad program. Once that happens, there are a lot of requirements (such as clinicals) that I’m going to have to complete. It’s a big time commitment. And 4 years is optimistic, if I take summer school classes. I need to figure out if I’m willing to commit that kind of time.

It won’t be cheap

Even with my fee waiver, I’m still looking at $3,000 per semester for a minimum of 9 semesters to cover tuition, fees and materials. That’s nearly $30,000 on top of the student loans I already have. Yes, the argument can be made that the difference in my earning potential will pay that off in just a few years. But debt like that is SCARY to me. It means I HAVE to see this all the way through, because I’m not going to pay thousands of dollars to go to school for a while, quit because I change my mind, and then have to pay back all that money with nothing to show for it.

It’s going to seriously affect my social life

Part of the reason I didn’t want to roll straight into a Masters was because I wanted time to have a relationship, get married, have kids. But that was based on the fact that I already had a boyfriend and we had plans. Except I found out that he had two sets of plans with two different girls. So my plans changed.

If I go back to school, I won’t have time for a serious relationship. When I’m in school, that’s where my focus is. The flip side of that is that if I eschew a serious relationship, I basically throw away my last remaining childbearing years. Ultimately, going back to school is saying that I’m giving up on motherhood. I know it’s not that cut and dried, but if I commit to 4 years in school, I’ll be in my forties by the time I’m done. If by some miracle I meet and marry a guy in the meantime and have kids, then school gets thrown by the wayside and I’m back to paying back student loans with nothing to show for it. Both scenarios scare the crap out of me.

Wow, putting it on paper, there are more (by one) pros than cons. Or maybe I just didn’t think hard enough to come up with another con. Either way, I’m going to attend a department orientation in mid-December. That will hopefully give me a concrete answer as to whether I want to pursue this. But truthfully, I’m a little excited. And nervous. And scared. It could be great. Or not.

To be continued.

This One's for the Ladies

OK, enough with the soul searching posts! It's time to be a bit silly and a bit random. And speaking of random...

I'm not terribly shy. Ask me just about anything, and I'll give you a straight answer. Alcohol is (usually) not required. So, when a friend of mine recently asked me about why I get a Brazilian wax every month I told her this: "Because it doesn't hurt the way you think it does and it's easier than the alternatives."

Seriously. OK, I know that those of you who have never done it think I'm crazy. But hear me out. A LOT of it has to do with the type of wax that's used. My fabulous aesthetician Laura uses hard wax, which hurts WAY less than the other type (that's normally used for bikini waxes). I have no idea why it hurts less, but it does. Hey, I get this done every month without fail. I know. Before I found Laura I was getting regular bikini waxes done in salons, and they hurt.

I was scared to death the first time I got a Brazilian done. I mean, that's a sensitive area! But it was not a big deal at all. Laura is super quick (I'm always out in 10 minutes or less) and the woman knows what she's doing! Plus, she talks the whole damn time, which is good for a distraction.

I won't say it doesn't hurt at all, but it's not the kind of searing pain you're thinking it is. And it doesn't last. It's kinda like, riiiipp - done. And if you get it done on a regular basis, it's nothing. That's part of the reason I go every month. Well, that and I can't stand "overgrowth." And it takes care of front AND back - so everything is easier to keep clean.

The upside to waxing over shaving is that it leaves the area soft. And sensitive. Which is REALLY a plus when it comes to "nighttime activities" (or nooners, if you're into that). It makes cleanup easier and enhances sensation. I'm not kidding! The ex was so into them that he offered to pay for them to make sure I kept getting them. And they're heaven sent in the summer when you have to worry about bathing suits.

Think about just trying it. It's winter, so you won't have to worry about showing it off until you're sure you're happy. I will tell you that with hard wax, you might find some "remnants" when you get home. But a little baby oil in the shower takes it right off.

If you're in the LA area, give Laura a call - I can't recommend her enough! If you're outside the area, check and make sure that the person you're thinking of going to uses hard wax. I can't stress that enough!

See, I told you this was a random post! But like I said, I'll talk about almost anything. So, if there's something you want me to jabber on about, let me know.

The Power of Honesty

I'm an honest person. An unfailingly honest person. I abhor any type of lie, and I refuse to tell one. This doesn't mean I'm not tactful - I try my best to temper the truth I tell with kindness. But I won't lie - ever. It's a matter of character and integrity.

I guess that's why I'm so shocked when I'm lied to. It's something an honest person just can't fathom. I really don't think that honesty is too much to expect, but apparently it is - from some people, at least. I won't accept excuses for dishonesty. I don't care what your baggage is from your mother or how scared you are of the consequences. Lying is always a choice, and to make that choice makes you a liar. If you choose to lie to me, then my trust in you is gone. There is no second chance. Maybe that sounds harsh, but I can't have people in my life that I have to second guess. You can trust me always - I should be able to expect the same from you.

Below is an entry taken from DailyOm.com. I wanted to share because it speaks to the honor of honesty. Good people tell the truth. Bad people don't. That's how I feel.


Power In Honesty
Staying True To Your Word

Promises are easily made. Keeping them often proves more difficult because when we are pressured to strive always for perfection, we find it simpler to agree to undertake impossible tasks than to say no. Likewise, there is an infinite array of circumstances that conspire to goad us into telling falsehoods, even when we hold a great reverence for truth. When you endeavor to consistently keep your word, however, you protect your reputation and promote yourself as someone who can be trusted to be unfailingly truthful. Though your honesty may not always endear you to others-for there will always be those who fear the truth-you can nonetheless be certain that your integrity is never tarnished by the patina of deceit. Since frankness and sincerity form the basis of all life-enriching relationships, your word is one of your most precious and powerful possessions.

When we promise more than we can deliver, hide from the consequences of our actions through falsehoods, or deny our true selves to others, we hurt those who were counting on us by proving that their faith was wrongly given. We are also hurt by the lies we tell and the promises we break. Integrity is the foundation of civilization, allowing people to live, work, and play side by side without fear or apprehension. As you cultivate honesty within yourself, you will find that your honor and reliability put people at ease. Others will feel comfortable seeking out your friendship and collaborating with you on projects of great importance, certain that their positive expectations will be met. If you do catch yourself in a lie, ask yourself what you wanted to hide and why you felt you couldn't be truthful. And if life's surprises prevent you from keeping your word, simply admit your error apologetically and make amends quickly.

Since the path of truth frequently represents the more difficult journey, embarking upon it builds character. You can harness the power of your word when you do your best to live a life of honesty and understand what motivates dishonesty. In keeping your agreements and embodying sincerity, you prove that you are worthy of trust and perceive values as something to be incorporated into your daily existence.