Quandary

I am so over writing about the ex, but I have a situation right now that I'm trying to sort out in my head.

The ex owes me money. A LOT of it. Thousands of dollars. Because he likes to live a lifestyle that he can't afford. $2,300 a month apartment, because what he can afford isn't good enough for him. His precious car (how I hate that car, which he treats better than any human on the planet, including his mother). Comic-Con every year, with a ton of money spent on the hotel. Movies all the time, at $12-$14 a pop plus parking and snacks, because he can't possibly go anywhere except the reserved seat movie theatre. DVDs purchased ON THE RELEASE DATE ONLY, because somehow they're not the same movie if you wait and buy them when you can afford them. Gadgets for the apartment, so he can make the spare bedroom look like a movie theatre. On and on. He's all about the appearance of "Hollywood success" to his friends back east, especially on his blog. Except, how can you consider yourself successful if you can't pay your bills every month? If you have outstanding financial issues? (Which I won't detail here at this time).

The story is, there's no money for me because there’s no work. Well, if there's no work, how can you say you're successful? And this is not new. This has been the song and dance for years, which is why I bailed him out on his cell phone bills - $500 a month! Who has a $500 cell phone bill? I'll tell you - someone who's talking to multiple girlfriends several times a day to keep them on the hook. And this dates WAAYY back before the current "other woman" I found out about in October. Oh, and the rental cars I paid for. Because he moved here and had a rental car for THREE YEARS. You heard me. Why would you just not buy a clunker for $2,000 until you could afford your blessed dream car? Because you're an idiot, that's why. And you have an idiot for a girlfriend who will help you when you're "just waiting to get a check." Oh, and so you wouldn't have any cost when you moved out of your hotel (yes, he stayed at a hotel for a LONG time, even though he tried to convince me he had an apartment, which I was somehow never privileged enough to see, even after months of dating) and went back east to your "other apartment" to save money out here when work dried up.

Yes, he had another apartment. Which he swore belonged to friends of his, as an "extra" apartment for them to expand into once they had kids. Except it's not like they could have knocked down a wall and expanded their current apartment - it wasn't set up like that. And everyone can afford to have a spare apartment “just in case of kids.” Oh, and it was completely furnished with his stuff (down to art on the walls). Oh, and I never met these "friends" even though I stayed in that apartment twice. They were always "away" because it was the holidays. Except, they were never mentioned by the ex except when he was going "home." He mentioned his other friends liberally. Oh, and that's where he still had his mail delivered, even when he "lived" out here. Yeah, that sounds like you're just staying at a friend's place. For weeks, sometimes MONTHS at a time. Awfully convenient. Wonder how many girlfriends he had out there? Because it would have been easy. He had an entirely separate cell phone with a back east number. For his friends to call, so it wouldn’t cost them, as well as his mom. Except everyone has cell phones that include long distance. And he eventually got his mom a cell phone as well, but he never cancelled that back east line. Carried that separate cell phone with him in his bag everywhere he went. Hmm…wonder why he needed to do that.

I'm an idiot, I know. I let him lie to me. Even when I was suspicious. To the point where I actually looked him in the eye and told him, "I'm CHOOSING to trust you, because stuff doesn't add up." Bad choice, I know. Should have listened to my gut and broken up with him within 3 months when he wouldn't let me into his "apartment." But he knew what to say to me to keep me hanging on. I let the pretty words and promises outweigh the actions and suspicions. I didn't want to be the "suspicious girlfriend" and he knew it. He preyed on that. He was fantastic at turning my questioning around on me and making me feel inadequate, that I was too demanding, that nobody else he knew would react the way I did, that I wasn't giving him what he needed when he was so generous with me, that I just expected too much of him. I couldn't look at it from the outside. Now I can.

He will always play the victim, because it gets him what he wants. But he's not the victim - he's the player. And he's really good at it. He has a way of keeping a woman hanging on in the face of proven lies, because he just puts on the "poor me" act - his childhood was messed up, he had no friends growing up, he just doesn't know how to be in a relationship, he'll get help, he'll be better, he can't imagine living without you, YOU are the one who has shown him how messed up he is, and he’ll show YOU he can be better... And it works, apparently. He can be oh, so sincere. But it doesn't work on me, not anymore.

Anyway, my quandary is this – how do I proceed? He’s not giving me the agreed upon (in writing) amount he owes me because he’s “waiting for his check,” as he has had to do so many times in the past. So, what do I do about it?

Please don’t suggest anything illegal. I would NEVER do anything that would get me into trouble. He is SO not worth that. And I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction. Revenge fantasies are great when they stay in your head. But my life and self-respect are worth way more than anything I could do to him that would get me into trouble.

What would YOU do? Just hang out and wait for the money to come? How long would you wait? What would you do when you stopped waiting? I would love some input here. Because obviously I don’t believe the excuses, even if they’re true. He’s the boy who cried wolf. And I’m not going after anything that’s not rightfully mine. I have his agreement in writing to the terms of the financial arrangement as well as the amount he owes. He’s now broken that agreement.

Court isn’t my best option, for reasons I won’t go into at this time. I’m not saying it’s not an option at all – just that I’m sure someone can come up with something more effective. Someone who’s not so close to this situation.

Putting this into writing shows exactly what a gullible idiot I was with him. I’m ashamed of the part I played in this. Because what I got out of being with him didn’t come close to what it cost me (and not just in money). I know I didn’t make him cheat, I didn’t make him lie. But I made it easy for him, even when outsiders were trying to show me how effed up everything was. People who could judge the situation according to what he was DOING, not the sweet words and justifications he was giving me.

I was weak, I admit it. I thought I loved him. I wanted someone to love me back, and he said he did – even though he didn’t show it. Hell, I thought I wanted to marry him and have kids with him. Even though he said that’s what he wanted as well, he would never have let that happen. He told me what I wanted to hear, did enough nice things for me to keep me hooked (but not more than that), and I accepted it for years. I’m fortunate to escape that situation, I know. I’m not blind anymore. But wow, does it do a number on you to be played that well for that long!

Anyway…I’m looking forward to your input. Feel free to e-mail if you don’t feel comfortable posting it as a comment. I’ll update as breaking news occurs.