So, I’ve been giving some thought to what I want in the next boyfriend (I didn’t have the luxury of “falling” into a relationship with a co-worker while still in my committed, 4.5 year relationship like some people I know). I realize that the person I need to be with, who will make me most happy, is the complete opposite of the person I was with through most of my 30’s. So, this is what I need in the next one:
1. Drink alcohol
I know this may sound bizarre, but with the exception of my very first boyfriend in high school, all of the men in my life have been non-drinkers. Not just non-drinkers in the sense that they don’t drink much, but complete, that-stuff-will-never-touch-my-lips people. Why is this important? Well, here’s the thing: If you don’t drink for religious reasons, that already makes us incompatible. If you don’t drink because you think it’s wrong, then we’re starting out with me enjoying something you don’t approve of. I don’t need or want to be judged. Plus, it’s something we can’t share. I like going to a pub on a Friday after a long week and having a couple of drinks. I spent 4.5 years not being able to share that with the person who was supposed to be the most important one in my life. Sure, we don’t have to like all of the same things. But I have found over numerous relationships that the people I am attracted to who don’t drink have a harder time just letting loose in general, and I’m over drama. Please, give me somebody who can relax with a beer.
2. Be financially stable
Listen, your last name doesn’t have to be Rockefeller. And I am very well aware of the current economic climate, (heck, I’m even the victim of furloughs). But be able to pay your bills. On time. Without reminding. And don’t be stupid about your money and do things like repeatedly run up a $500 cell phone bill month after month because you’re too dumb to change your plan. And don’t ever play the game of telling me about your financial woes so I can volunteer to come to your rescue so you can hold up the “I didn’t ask you for money” card. Being able to successfully take care of your finances is basic to having a successful, grown-up life. No more Peter Pans who won’t pay their electric bill, but will happily spend money on Imogene Heap tickets and tell you he’s broke so he can’t repay you what he owes you. Over and over again.
3. Don’t be a liar
This seems so very basic, but so very difficult for people to actually DO. It’s not difficult. TELL THE TRUTH. EVERY TIME. Not just “when it won’t get you in trouble.” If you’re doing something that you have to lie about, then you know you shouldn’t be doing it, and I have a right to know. And don’t try to cover your lie with stupid excuses about repeated bank snafus, or preposterous credit card issues, or that you were talking about my birthday, or (my favorite) that I didn’t see what I saw. Most important, don’t make me feel like a lunatic, paranoid girlfriend when I call you something suspicious AND I’M RIGHT! This was a favorite trick – to turn it around on me that I wasn’t being understanding enough when I caught him in stories that didn’t add up, so that next time, I’d give him even more leeway to give me an even more outrageous story. Just tell me the truth. If you’re with someone you have to lie to, then obviously you shouldn’t be with them, and just end it already. Why go through charades? Looking back, there were so many lies in my last relationship, well before the “other girlfriend” (well, the other girlfriend that I know about). I’d question things I saw in a blog, or a comment that didn’t match up with other things, movies that I didn’t know he’d seen but was now referencing, or seeing two different freakin’ birth years for him, and I’d be handed some convoluted story about these terribly special situations. That of course were total lies. About stuff that didn’t even need to be lied about! I find that I really never knew my ex, because he lied as easily as he breathed. And I made it easy for him, because I WANTED to believe him. I didn’t want to be that suspicious girlfriend stereotype. But I was right to be suspicious. It was funny that these incredibly special situations continually happened to only this one person in my life – repeatedly! Wow, he just had the worst luck of anyone on the planet.
The next one has to give me reasons NOT to be suspicious. Total transparency (which the ex told me he was giving me when we were in couples counseling – ha!). I need to not have a reason to question that he’s where he says he is, or that what he’s telling me is anything but the truth. He needs to WANT to prove himself to me because he values me so much, and not get defensive at every question I ask. What I observe on my own needs to MATCH what he’s telling me. I’ve already gone the route of believing his stories over my own observations, and I won’t be doing that again.
4. Like my music
Again, something that seems so small, but for me translates into something greater. You don’t need to know the names of all the band members in Gaelic Storm. But you DO need to be willing to give it an honest try, and to go with me to the concerts I like because you want to spend time with me, and maybe find something new you’ll like. I’ve gone to so many concerts (and movies and other events) by myself because he “didn’t like” whatever it was. Well, sometimes it’s not about what YOU like. It’s about supporting the person you love and doing things with that person. And being open minded enough to try new things. I don’t recall turning down much of what he asked me to do, except a movie here and there, and he always found someone else to go with (most likely the other girlfriend, rather than the guy pal he told me he was with – points for partial honesty? I think not.). Plus, music is SO important to me. The next boy needs to realize that and WANT to support me and be with me when I do things I enjoy, just because I enjoy them, and not make it about him.
5. My friends and family need to like you
Now that I’ve been broken up with the ex for 6 months (and especially with the new cheating information), I have gotten so much feedback that they never really liked him. And looking back, I realize they never praised him to me at all. They never said what a great guy he was or that they liked the way he treated me (because he was selfish and didn’t treat me well – only when it suited his purpose of receiving admiration). Wow, that’s a red flag I should have seen! If friends and family aren’t excited about your relationship, why should you be? They can objectively see how you’re being treated without being in the middle of the manipulation. Of course, nobody said anything to me because the prevailing belief is that someone in love will not listen to outsiders about a relationship. I’ve asked them to be honest with me from now on. If I’m stupid, please call me on it.
So, I need someone that my people like. Because if they like you, chances are there’s a reason for it. You’re a good guy and good to me. But if they don’t like you, they must have a reason, and they don’t have a vested interest in rationalizing it away.
6. My cat needs to like you
Alex never liked the ex from the start. I’ve come to the conclusion that he’s the only one (and certainly the only male) in my life who’s been giving me the hard truth. So, the next boy needs to pass the cat test. If he doesn’t like you, then you’re probably not the one for me. Because, given recent experiences, I’d rather have Alex on my bed than most boys. You need to be the exception to that. If Alex will be in the same room with you and let you pet him, you must be OK.
7. I need to be proud of you
I didn’t realize how many excuses I was making for the ex until I was out of the relationship. His career, which was his only source of self-esteem, was so up and down that I couldn’t really point to that as a point of pride. I certainly couldn’t point to the way he treated me with pride – someone who broke dates and was hours late and super sensitive at any hint of questioning. So, the next guy needs to be the type of person I can be proud of. You don’t need to be a top surgeon or male equivalent of Mother Theresa, but you DO have to have integrity. And self-esteem. And be a person who cares for others. Your focus should be on the wider world, and not just on yourself and what you want.
8. Respect me and my time
Being chronically late is just disrespectful. Sometimes it’s unavoidable, but most of the time it’s poor planning. Care enough about me and my time to plan so you’re on time for me. I do that for you. If you know it takes 25 minutes to get to my house in the middle of the night, don’t leave 5 minutes before you’re supposed to be here during rush hour. Don’t call me when you’re already late and tell me you haven’t left because of “the damn clock.” Yeah, the clock is what made you late, not your lack of planning or consideration.
I want someone who thinks of me when he hears “She Was the Prize” or “She’s Everything” or “Then.” I want someone who realizes what a gem he has in me, and will do nothing to jeopardize it. I deserve someone who puts me first, respects me (and my time), would never put me in a precarious position, and WANTS to be with me, wants to spend as much time with me as possible. I deserve more than fighting for scraps of time after work and “me time” and other girlfriend time.
I KNOW there are good men out there. I know them. But they’re all taken. I just need to find one who, like me, is between failed relationships. Then we can be in a successful relationship together.
So, if you know anybody like that, I’m open to suggestions.
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