This Is Where It Ends

No, I’m not talking about my relationship. I’m talking about Barenaked Ladies. I’m talking about the singer from whose song I stole the title of my blog. I’m talking about Mr. Steven Page.

See, Steve has left BNL. For the majority of the people (all 7 of you?) reading this blog, that statement means nothing. To me, it means everything. It’s Paul leaving the Beatles. It’s the Bulls without Michael Jordan. It’s nachos without all the gooey cheese.

Steve wasn’t the whole band. There are 4 other very fine, very talented, very cool individuals in the group who will carry the BNL banner. But Steve was a Voice. Not THE voice, as Ed did his fair share of vocals. But Steve was a unique part of the band’s sound. As much as I love Tyler, they could replace the drummer and the songs wouldn’t sound terribly different. Same with keyboards and bass. But when a vocalist leaves, the entire sound changes. Not only the songs Steve sang lead on, but also the harmony he provided on Ed’s. Even Paul McCartney commented that he and John Lennon couldn’t match the harmonies of Ed and Steve.

This is a band that I’ve built vacations around, have traveled to see, and represent a part of my life that while filled with turmoil, was also filled with hope. I found them at a time when I was going through a divorce, living on my own for the first time, and wondering what the hell I was going to do. They made me smile when I thought I couldn’t. Somehow, through their music and their onstage cohesiveness, they made me feel part of a family. I wasn’t worshipping rock stars from afar. I was a part of a welcoming community, just when I needed it most.

Of course there has been talk on the message boards about the whole situation and speculation as to when talk of the separation started. Of course, it’s logical that it started way before the cruise, and someone likened it to waiting until after Christmas to tell the kids you’re getting divorced. Which struck me, because that’s exactly what happened to me when my parents divorced. They told me the day after Christmas so they wouldn’t “ruin” it. And now the band told me a couple weeks after the cruise. I’m happy they waited. While knowing would have made everything more poignant, it also would have made everything much, much sadder. When we got back, a bunch of us threw out theories about what we thought was “off” with the band and why. We just didn’t expect to get confirmation so quickly. Yeah, Mom and Dad were fighting, but we hoped not to get that day after Christmas talk.

I wish Steve the best, I really do. I hope he gets everything he wants. And I hope Ed, Tyler, Jim and Kevin get what they want. But the thought of a new lead singer hurts right now. I’m not ready to see “Mom” with a new boyfriend.

Relationship Update

OK, I know the last time I wrote about my relationship (over a month ago), it sounded pretty grim. It was right after a rough time and I was feeling pretty hopeless. But that’s why we’re in counseling. It’s ups and downs and roundabouts. And counseling is supposed to help us smooth out all the twists and turns into even road. And that’s happening. Slowly.

I love The Boy. I know that doesn’t always come across, but I do. That’s why I hang in. That’s why I agreed to do counseling. As frustrated as I may get, I don’t want him to be out of my life. So I’m learning how to have him in my life without the anger and the fights and the drama.

It’s not a linear path. We go to the counselor, she gives what I think are good suggestions, and I find myself trying to implement them without consciously thinking about it. However, it’s hard to break a pattern. Sometimes I find myself reacting differently (more constructively) to The Boy, and he reacts as if I were perpetuating the old pattern. So the reinforcement I get is that he doesn’t want the dynamic to change. Then I explain to him that I’m trying to break old habits, and he eventually “gets” it. And then it’ll happen again about something else and I wonder why he isn’t trying to change the dynamic as much as I am. Then I get frustrated and sad, and I blog. Then we talk about counseling and implementing change. So, while we’re not in exactly the same pattern we’ve been in for 4 years, we’re not exactly the ideal couple, either.

There have been positive changes. I feel like we can now talk to each other without being on the defensive all the time. We try to see our actions through our counselor’s eyes, and to anticipate what she’d say about the situation. It’s helping. But it’s a process, as they say.

Our cruise was wonderful. We only had one “discussion”, and I’m happy to say it wasn’t a fight and it didn’t last for days, as has been known to happen. We resolved it fairly quickly, and went on to have a lovely time together.

I know The Boy loves me and wants this to work. And I’m happy to say we’re starting to have more good times than bad, which is a major change. There are still things we’re dealing with that are out of our control (his work situation), but we’re making progress.

Slow and steady wins the race (or at least avoids the breakup, hopefully).

Random Mom Memory

This just came into my head as I was sitting here at work...

When my mom lived with us in Phoenix, I went through a period of really trying (and succeeding, to some point) to lose weight. This wasn't easy, considering I was working 2 jobs for a total of about 100 hours a week. One of those jobs was at Baskin-Robbins in the evenings after my day job.

The store was about a mile from our house, and my mom used to cook up some stir-fry and walk it down to my store with our 2 dogs. She'd deliver me my healthy dinner, and I'd give the dogs some soft-serve ice cream outside (the vet said it was OK).

I'm sitting here crying as I remember that. She was so supportive about me losing weight (she always worried about my health). She took time to do that 4 nights a week, even though she was tired from working all day herself. She was so loving and generous, even though she tried to hide it from the world.

In her honor (and for my own good), I'm going to get back on the program. I'll get healthy by hook or by crook.

(And yes, I know I need to update about The Boy status. It's all good - I just haven't been in the mood/haven't had much time to blog lately. Will rectify that situation).