Food Masochism

I've come to the conclusion that I'm a masochist - when it comes to food (so sorry it doesn't show itself in a more interesting arena. For that, please visit Ms. Belle de Jour, whose blog is right over there on the sidebar).

You see, I've been trying to eat healthfully and work out since June. I refuse to call it a diet, because that conveys a sense of being temporary, and I'm trying to make permanent changes. On the whole I'm pretty successful, but occasionally (lately more than occasionally) I decide that I'm in the mood for some fast food or sweets and I allow myself to have it, while trying to keep portion size down so I stay somewhat inside my calorie range for the day.

The kicker is, I feel like absolute crap when I eat the foods that taste good. I get bloated, gassy (which I really can't abide), sluggish, and generally feel icky. Now when I ate like this all the time, I never noticed the difference, since I didn't have anything to compare it to. Now that the majority of my meals are healthy, I really notice the difference.

The masochism part comes in because after some careful analysis (done in my own head), I've noticed that I hit the fast food places when I'm particularly down on myself - when I feel I've been unfair (especially to The Boy), when I feel like I've failed (like making a mistake at work) or when I feel like I should be punishing myself in some way. It's not emotional eating in the sense that if I get angry or sad I head for the fridge - generally if I'm emotional, I tend not to eat. I'm just starting to notice that my chosen method of self-punishment is through food. I did something wrong, so I need to eat crap so I feel like crap.

I actually really like the healthy food I eat - mainly things like chicken with salsa, broccoli, whole wheat pitas, yogurt, milk, fruit. The one thing I love that I try not to eat a lot of is cheese, but I'll even have that as long as I can incorporate it into my daily calories. So it's not that I'm running away from the healthy stuff - I really think this is my chosen form of punishment.

Now that I realize that, perhaps I can knock it off. While I don't think I'll ever be into the psychiatric definition of masochism, I think perhaps I can channel these impulses into something a bit more constructive. Any suggestions?