Giving Up the Dream

Sometimes I get so utterly frustrated in my romantic relationships (especially my current one) that the tangled mess of my psyche makes me wonder if I even know my own name anymore. I start out being so clear in my position, about how I feel - then I analyze and bend so far over backward trying to see the other person's side that I start doubting what I knew to be true in the beginning.

I know I can be easily emotionally manipulated. It's happened far too many times in the past. To guard against this, I believe the worst of my partner first until he proves otherwise. And I put up one hell of a fight. You'd be surprised how easily the highly trained ear can pick out insincerity. Ah, but is it REALLY manipulation, or am I imagining it? This one thought goes around and around in my head until I can't believe anything or anyone anymore - not even myself.

I want to be a good person. But how can I be when there are so many bad people out there trying to get me? Trust is a luxury I don't have. Guilty until proven innocent - and don't think THAT won't take a lot of time and trouble.

I am seriously starting to think that maybe I'm meant to be alone. That I just can't make myself mesh that closely with another person. Yeah, I know I have all these dreams about being a wife and a mother. But what if I picked the wrong dreams for the person I truly am? I mean, a short person may want to play pro basketball more than anything in the world, and practice all the time to attain that goal - but chances are it's not going to happen. He just inherently is a bad fit for his chosen dream. A happy family is a lovely dream, but what if I'm not cut out for it?

Should I just throw in the towel and accept that I should spend my life alone? Wait for my nephews to have kids and just dote on them instead of my own? What if my dreams don't match my capabilities? How do you just give up on something you thought you wanted your whole life?