The ME in ChristmastiME

I love Christmas. It gives me a reason (sales!) to shop for myself while complaining that I have no money to buy gifts for anyone else. I think one day my loved ones may catch on....

Grocery Receipt Assumptions

OK, you know those coupons that automatically spit out at your grocery store register? The kind where the machine says, "hmm, you bought Yoplait yogurt. Take this coupon for 25 cents off Dannon." Makes sense - I (or someone in my household) obviously eats yogurt. So the good folks at Dannon figure that I'll try their brand given enough monetary incentive. Same product, different brand. Not too much of a stretch there.

However, I had a different experience at Vons last night. Below is a list of my purchases:

Crystal Light Lemonade Mix
Cheddar Cheese
Colby Jack
Brie Wedge (yes, I see the pattern - I like my cheese and I have to feed my co-worker as well)
Little Debbie Gingerbread Cookies
Little Debbie Chocolate Tree Cakes
Turkey and Cheddar Lunchables
Garden Salad Mix
Arrowhead Water

That's it - that's all I bought. As a result, the friendly coupon machine spit out two offers:

1. Save $5.00 on a Fred Clause DVD (OK, that seems like a pretty generic coupon - probably give it to all demographics - saturate the market and all that).

2. $3.00 off ENFAMIL BABY FORMULA.

OK, this is what completely throws me. What on my list of purchases pegs me as a new mother? Or a caregiver of children? Granted, the Lunchables and the Little Debbies probably smack of packing school lunches, but those are really for me because I'm lazy and like junk food. Going with the kid assumption, why wouldn't I get a coupon for some sugary cereal or fruit roll-up thingy? But INFANT formula? That's a pretty narrow market.

I know - it's the brie. Because all new moms spend $9.00 on a wedge of cheese. Or perhaps it's the Crystal Light, because all new moms are trying to watch their calories.

I swear, next time I'm going to buy milk and wind up with a coupon for anti-fungal cream.

Mom Story #1

Now that we're far enough removed from October, I've been thinking about old Mom stories. She was the stoic Midwestern type - did what needed to be done without complaint, never played before she worked, and uttered few words. She wasn't what you'd call a pleasure seeker. She just felt that she was put on this earth to do what needed to be done - no more, no less.

Imagine my surprise when my sister-in-law Julie related a Mom story to me. Involving men. And stripping. And nearly being forcibly evicted from a club.

My mother loved Vegas. She didn't just love Vegas - she loved Vegas. And being a stay at home mom at the time herself, Julie was more than happy to accompany my mother so she could get her fix of nickel slots (yes, that's all Mom played - she'd drive 4+ hours to play nickel slots and it was the grandest excursion she could think of).

Apparently, they got the idea (after lots of alcohol, no doubt) to go to a male strip club. Won't that be fun! (tee hee, tee hee)

This is where the story gets good. Seems that Mom imbibed a bit too much of her beloved 7 and 7's, and really got into the show. By "really got into", I mean that she grabbed a dancer's ass. My mother. Grabbed some 20-something, probably gay (not that there's anything wrong with that) dude's ass. My mother who spent every Saturday morning cleaning our house until it smelled of bleach. My mother who dutifully cooked my father a full meat and potatoes dinner every night so he could fall asleep in front of the TV and completely ignore her. My mother whose idea of a splurge was to buy me a frozen dinner on the rare night that she didn't cook (usually because Dad was out drinking). My mother grabbed a guy's ass. His naked ass. In a club.

Well, security wasn't all too happy about that. They rushed over, ready to evict my troublemaking mother. Luckily, the dancer thought it was funny and waved them off. Mom stayed, slightly better behaved. And my sister-in-law was mortified (bonus!)

Moms (especially my mom) aren't supposed to be women. They're just supposed to be moms. Information to the contrary just throws off the universe's equilibrium. But it IS pretty damn funny. You go, Mom!