Mom Thoughts

Fall (and the start of school along with it) has come to mean something very different to me. As this post describes, it does hold some pleasant associations for me. But in the past couple of years, my attitude toward autumn has darkened a bit.

You see, I got the call that my mom was sick during the second week of September, two years ago. As a result, September reminds me of last minute flights to Florida, sitting by my mother’s bedside getting the news of her cancer, and being on the phone nonstop to various medical institutions, insurance companies, family members, etc.

October brings memories of bringing her home to California, going to visit her at my brother’s house every lunch hour and every day after work, staying with her on the weekends. This time of year, simple things like going to the grocery store bring me to tears. I’m reminded of my trips to the store during that time, frantically searching for anything my mother would eat. Looking for softer foods, things that used to be her favorites (like black licorice), nutrition drinks that would at least get some vitamins into her body. And I’m reminded of the futility of the endeavor when I’d bring them to her and she’d tell me, “I just can’t, honey. Nothing tastes good and it hurts to eat.”

Halloween is now lost on me. It’s now just known to me as, “that day that comes 4 days after the anniversary of Mom’s death.”

Other things that remind me of Mom in the fall:

1. Kahlua
Mom’s drink of choice as well as what I drank too much of at my brother’s house the night she died.

2. Nemo (as in Finding Nemo)
Trying to brighten up her hospital bed at my brother’s house, I bought a Nemo comforter and sheet set. I re-made that bed around her every day.

3. The season premiere of Grey’s Anatomy
This was the one hour I let myself have alone during my trip to Florida. It was the one hour out of the whole trip I tried to let myself forget the horrors of the lung cancer diagnosis. Now every season premiere of this show brings back that memory.

4. Foot Massagers
I bought one for Mom intending to give her a pedicure to make her feel better. She was never able to sit up long enough for me to do it.

5. Jeopardy/Wheel of Fortune
Mom loved these shows and it was one of the highlights of the day when we watched them together in the evening. Still can’t turn them on without thinking of her.

I’ll write some happy posts about Mom at one point. Probably in the spring, when other memories aren’t so overpowering.